Gates of Heaven

Thursday, October 11, 2012 was another day Mom was given on earth.  She did well through the night and thankfully it was fairly uneventful.  Mom had gotten up a couple of times to use the restroom and to take some pain medications.  We chose to have Mom take oral morphine rather than having her be hooked up to an IV.  We did not want her to be burdened with more lines and cords to be connected to her.  We wanted her to be as comfortable as possible during her final days. 

Dad and I were with Mom the morning of October 11, 2012 as Rochelle and Scott were working.  The girls were at daycare.  I remember having a difficult time getting Mom out of bed that morning.  She was so weak.  We got her sat up and in bed and she was having a terrible time breathing. We had her oxygen hooked up and we tried out best to remain calm.  She eventually was able to somewhat catch her breath and we got her in her wheelchair.  At this point she was too weak and tired to shower so we arranged with hospice to have them come to the house on Friday, October 12 to give mom a sponge bath.  In the past, Mom always liked to shower both in the morning and at night.  She probably was not a fan of the sponge baths but I am sure she was thankful for the effort.

It was clear that Mom was not very comfortable in her recliner.  Her catheter was bothering her and she seemed restless and in pain.  We gave her the scheduled pain medications and she eventually calmed down.  The rest of the day went fairly well as best as I can recall.  Dad and I decided to make a call to Mom’s boss to let him know Mom was on hospice.  Mom’s boss Jim had just visited a week or so prior.  He was in Omaha for meetings and wanted to stop by to see Mom.  Mom was excited to see Jim but with that came some hesitation.  Mom knew she could not return to work and she did not feel it was fair to the hospital for them to hold her position.  Mom knew the demands of her job and she knew they needed to start looking to fill her position. I remember seeing tears build up in Mom’s eyes as she relayed the information to Jim.  Jim took the news well but he also reassured her that the job was hers as long as she wanted it.   

Ryan and Andrea (Swanson) Kuester brought supper that evening.  Mom did not eat but she thoroughly enjoyed the company.  Along with pizza, Andrea brought food prepared by some of her co-workers as well as a prayer blanket.  I think Andrea was taken back by Mom’s current state of health.  She had declined so rapidly it and it was hard for Andrea to see Mom that ill.  Andrea presented Mom with a beautiful blanket made by some women from her church.  Andrea handed the blanket to Mom and read a very nice message to her.  Andrea teared up as she was reading to Mom but as usual, Mom did not shed a tear.  She graciously listened as Andrea read to her.  As he blanket was being made the women prayed for Mom the entire time.  It was so humbling knowing complete strangers were praying for Mom during this time of need.  

Throughout the course of the evening Mom was sleeping a lot and sometimes she would sleep talk.  It seemed as if she was doing more sleep talking than normal but we were prepared for this.  The nurses also warned us about the side effects of morphine.  It can make people hallucinate.  Mom would come in and out of the conversations between her naps.  I was sitting in a kitchen chair to the right of Mom’s recliner.  When she woke up from one of her naps, I could tell she had something to say because she kept looking at the wall and then looking back at me.  She had a grin and she said to me, “See those bugs.  Look at all of those bugs.  They are crawling around everywhere.”  I was conflicted as to whether or not I should play along or tell her there were no bugs.  Mom always told me she could tell exactly what I was thinking based on my facial expressions.  Clearly I did not do a good job of hiding it because she said, “You don’t believe me, do you.”  I smiled and told her there were no bugs.

Rochelle got home from work and she joined us for supper.  At the time, there was a country folk themed sign hanging above the television in the living room.  It was a long sign that had the alphabet across the top with a farm scene as the main center point.  Mom woke up when Rochelle came home and once again, she started staring at the wall.  She pointed out to Rochelle that one of the letters in the alphabet sign were missing.  Mom really had us going.  I had looked at that sign several times but assumed all of the letters were there.  Imagine a room full of adults looking hard at a sign to make sure all 26 letters were properly pained on the sign.  We agreed no letters were missing.  Mom joined in on the laugh we got.  

Mom stayed up a little past her bedtime that night because she was enjoying the company.  It was around 8:30 when we started getting her ready for bed.  Thankfully Scott was in the living room that evening because it took all four of us to get Mom out of the recliner.  Her legs were incredibly weak and she did not have the strength to get out of the recliner.  We barely got her to stand at her walker and we immediately got her into her wheelchair.  As we were wheeling her to her room she started talking in ways we could not understand.  It was jumbled and it did not make sense.  We continued to wheel her into the room and begin the nightly routine of getting her ready for bed.  At one point, one word was spoken very clear and Rochelle and I heard it.  As we were positioning Mom into bed, Mom said, “Heaven.”  Rochelle and I looked at each other and Rochelle asked her again what she said.  Mom did not answer.    It was a very special moment and one I will never forget.  

Mom was laying on her left side and Rochelle, Dad and I were standing in front of her by the bed.  Mom looked up towards us yet beyond where we were standing.  At first we did not think she could focus on us due to the disease.  She continued to look beyond us and asked, “Who is that woman with a cup?”   Rochelle, Dad and I looked at each other to try and figure out what Mom was talking about.  She asked again, “Who is that women with long hair with a cup?  She keeps trying to give me something to drink.”   We thought maybe she was confused and was talking about Andrea.  We reminded her that Andrea and Ryan left and her response was, “I know Andrea Swanson but who is that women with a cup?” What Mom was seeing was real and we feel she was starting to cross over.  We kissed her on the cheek and told her we loved her and we would see her in the morning. 

I did not sleep well that night.  I was nervous about Rochelle and Scott being at work and I was not confident Dad and I could handle Mom alone given how weak she had become.  I knew the hospice nurse was planning on coming to the house to give Mom a bath but I was still very uneasy given my lack of caregiving skills.  I knew it took all four of us to get Mom out of the recliner the evening before so I was not sure how Dad and I were going to handle it alone.  Anisten did not sleep well that evening either.  She woke me up as she was passing by the couch I was sleeping on.  She was crying because her throat hurt.  I walked with her to the spare bedroom downstairs to let Rochelle and Scott know.  Anisten ended up sleeping with Rochelle and Scott the rest of the night.  The main thing is Mom slept quite well.  She only woke up one time and was able to go right back to sleep.  Dad said she had a peaceful night. 

Friday, October 12, 2012 is another day our family will forever cherish.  I was rubbing the sleep from my eyes as Scott was passing through the living room to the bedroom.  He asked me if he thought if it would be okay to go into the bedroom to get his lapel pin.  October is breast cancer awareness month and the teachers at Scott’s school decided to wear their pink ribbon lapel pins that Friday.  Scott went into his room to get the pin and when he came out he had a look on his face.  He said, “It smells like incense in there.”  I said, “What?”  He said, “It smells just like a Catholic church.”  I asked him if he is sure it wasn’t the Sarna lotion, which has a very distinct menthol smell.  Scott said, “No. It definitely smells like incense.” 

I jumped off the couch and went into the bedroom.  As I walked through the door, the smell of incense hit me in the face.  The smell was so strong and it was undeniable that it was incense.  We ran over to Dad and woke him up to let him know.  Dad was disappointed because he could not smell it.  We told him to walk out of the room and come back in.  He had been in the room all night so he could not distinguish the smell.  Dad went and took a shower downstairs and when he came back in the room, the faint smell of incense was still present.  Dad smelled it and he knew this was big!  We felt so incredibly blessed. 

Scott left for work and I called Rochelle at work.  I explained to her the whole situation and she was blown away.  She did note however, that she was disappointed that she did not get to experience it.  I was sad for her too but the fact that Scott, Dad and I smelled it we knew it was real and we knew with the events from the night before, God was really giving us strong signs that he was close to welcoming Mom to heaven.  After I got off the phone with Rochelle, I called Josh to let him know what had happened.  I told him the end is near and it would be a good idea that he and the boys head to Gretna to be with us.  I also called hospice to see if Mom could be seen first thing in the morning for her bath.  The hospice nurses rearranged their schedules and they confirmed Mom would be the first patient. 

That morning was very unusual.  During the past 41 days, Mom would nudge Dad around 7:00 to wake him and to let him know she was ready to get out of bed.  Mom did not do that on October 12^th.  She continued to sleep well into the morning.  We tried waking her but she did not respond.  She was resting comfortably and we were satisfied.  The aide showed up around 10:00 and Mom was still sleeping.  The aide was such a wonderful lady.  She was very kind and gentle and she took her time.  Mom slept during the duration of her bath.  One of the hospice nurses showed up around 10:30 in order to help us get Mom out of bed and into the recliner.  I could tell by the look on the nurse’s face that she knew Mom was dying.  Rather than filling the pit in the bottom of my stomach, I was showered with an overwhelming sense of peace.   Don’t get me wrong, I was sad to lose Mom but I knew God was in the process of welcoming his child home.  I knew Mom was starting to make her final journey home given the miracles we experienced the night before as well as that morning.  

We witnessed yet another miracle.  As we were getting her out of bed, she sat up with ease and her breathing was not labored.  She did not have the usual look of panic in her eyes like she had the previous mornings.  She sat on the side of the bed for a short time and we were able to get her to her wheelchair and to the recliner in the living room.  The nurses helped us get her situated, gave Mom her scheduled pain medications and they left.  Before Mom’s health took a turn for the worse, she expressed to Rochelle and Scott about not wanting to leave bad memories in their home.  She also told them she did not want to die in their bed.  Rochelle and Scott were happy to have Mom and Dad and they did not worry about the details.  What mattered is they were able to spend a lot of quality time with Mom having her at their house rather than in Indianola or in a hospice facility. 

Mom’s typical pattern in the past would be to take her pain medications every few hours during the day.  Mom was resting comfortably in the recliner and she did not wake up around noon to take her next round of pills.  Dad and I decided Runza sounded good for lunch so I took orders and drove to Runza in Gretna.  I also stopped by Gretna Drug to pick up more prescriptions for Mom.  I called my good friend Dena to see how her mother was doing and to let her know about our situation.  I was very upbeat given the multiple spiritual experiences we witnessed in less than 24 hours. 

When I was at Gretna Drug these beautiful angels caught my attention. 

I knew we had to have three of the purple angels.  I purchased the purple angels because Mom was born in February.  I wanted Rochelle and Dad to have one to hang on their mirrors in the vehicle  to remind them of Mom.  I also picked up an angel with garnet wings (January) for Dena so she could be reminded of her mother as well.  When I returned from Runza and Gretna Drug I expected Mom to be awake, however, she was not.  I asked Dad if she had been awake while I was gone and Dad said she had not woken up.  

Dad and I sat at the kitchen table and ate lunch while Mom rested in her recliner.  After lunch Dad and I started working on thank you notes to send to all of the generous farmers for taking over harvest and for getting all of our crops out which allowed us to spend as much time possible with Mom.  During this time, Mom continued to rest comfortably, not waking to take her scheduled medications.

Around 2:00 p.m., Dad and I continued to find just the right words to express our sincere gratitude to our neighbors and everybody else that stepped in and helped during Mom’s illness.  Dad told me that he really wanted Mom to open her eyes just one more time.  Just then, Mom took a really deep breath and then it was silent for what seemed like an eternity.   We looked at each other Dad said, “This is it.” Mom eventually started breathing again but it seemed different since she took the one big breath.  Dad has been present when other family members have passed away so he knew what the deep breath meant.  We decided it was time to call a priest so Mom could receive the sacrament of anointing of the sick.  

We called the local church to see if the priest would come to the house.  We were told the priest had left for vacation earlier in the day and were given a different phone number for another priest.  We called the second number and that priest was getting ready to leave town to go to his niece’s wedding but agreed to stop by the house on his way out of town.  Dad stepped outside and started calling Mom’s brothers and friends at home to let them know the end was near.  Mom and I were the only two in the house at that moment and I sat at Mom’s head and told her how much I loved her and what an honor it was to be her daughter.  Just as I was kissing her on her forehead, Josh and the boys walked through the front door.  Shortly thereafter the priest pulled up in his red Volkswagen bug.  The priest give Mom her last rights and we concluded by holding hands and saying a prayer over Mom.  As we said “amen” she opened her eyes and looked at us.  Once again, God delivered!  Dad previously said he wanted to see her eyes and there they were.  Mom hadn’t opened her eyes for several hours but when she heard “Amen” her eyes immediately opened.  She then closed them and continued to rest comfortably. 

Throughout the day, Rochelle would call from work to check on Mom.  We told her of the situation so she was somewhat prepared when she got home from work.  Scott got home and we shared with him what had occurred that afternoon.  The sadness took over and the tears started building in his eyes.  Mom’s brother Lloyd came to the house to be with us.  He brought meals and desserts, some of which Aunt Mary had made and some that was sent from our friends in Cambridge and Indianola.  We all gathered around Mom and just told stories and talked normal.  Mom’s brother Eldon (and Carol) arrived and they too joined us in reminiscing.   We had the fire place running and we circled around Mom. 

We did not think that Mom was going to make it through the evening much less the night.  Mom’s brothers and spouses stayed until around midnight and they asked us to call them should Mom pass during the night.  Mom’s breathing continued to worsen and she did not wake up.  Hospice was informed of the situation and they told us to keep them updated and to call with any questions or concerns.  Not once did we leave her side.  We were running on very little sleep but our adrenaline was running high and we wanted to be right there with Mom to hold her hand.  

Around 2:00 a.m. a storm started brewing.  The lightning and thunder were very intense.  It seemed strange to have a thunderstorm in the middle of October.  We decided it was best for Scott and Josh to try to get some sleep so they could care for the kids in the upcoming days.  Before they went to bed, they each leaned down, kissed Mom on the cheek and told her they loved her.  We all held hands and prayed around Mom.  

By 2:30 a.m. Mom became restless.  She continued to show the end of life signs that the hospice nurses talked to us about during our meeting on October 11^th.  At that point, we called the hospice number and asked for a hospice nurse to assist us with Mom’s care.  The next hour was emotionally painful.  Mom opened her eyes and it was similar to the look we saw a week ago when she had a reaction to the Ativan.  Mom acted as if she needed something but she could not express it to us.  She moved her right hand and it appeared as if she was pointing to her stomach.  We took this as she was itching so we found the awful smelling lotion and started rubbing her stomach, arm and back.  Time stood still.  It was if the hospice nurse forgot we called and we felt stranded.  We called back and they referred us to the emergency kit in the refrigerator.  The woman on the phone told Rochelle how much of what medication to give to Mom.  The woman also reassured us the nurse was on the way.  We continued to tell Mom we were prepared for her to go to heaven.  We promised her we would be fine and we begged her to go home.  Clearly, it was not quite Mom’s time. 

At 3:45 a hospice nurse finally showed up. It was the same nurse who came by the house on Wednesday.  He was slow and it seemed like he could not make a decision.  He would throw out several choices and then leave it up to the family to make the final call.   It was really frustrating because we expected him to be able to make a decision but with some input from us.  It was not fair to Rochelle to put her in that position.  Just because she is a nurse does not mean she should be put in a situation to make decisions and administer medications she is not familiar with to her dying mother.  The only comparison I can come up with to shed light on this matter is a cardiologist performing brain surgery.  Rochelle handled the situation very well and we were so thankful she was there to interpret what the hospice nurse was telling us.  

I have a story that one cannot appreciate unless you were there but made one again we tried to make the most out of the situation.  The hospice nurse was dancing the same dance as he previously did when he showed up the first time.  Once again, he did not bring in his bag of supplies.  He had to keep going out to his car to look to see if he had what he needed.  Remember, we were in the middle of an obnoxious lightning storm.  At one point when he was out digging in his car, the sharpest lightening hit and the loud boom of thunder followed.  Dad, Rochelle and I looked at each other and laughed yet we were concerned about the hospice nurse.  We looked out the front door to see if he was still standing.  Obviously we hoped he was safe but the lack of sleep and the previous annoyances with the nurse made the situation funny.  He walked back through the front door and admitted the storm was pretty intense.  

Nobody but God knows when it is someone’s time but it is nice to have a general time frame from a medical professional so one can be prepare themselves.  We were not sure how much longer Mom could continue down this path.  The unknowns are the worse part.  The thought of losing Mom was terrifying but I was mentally prepared for her to pass.  I prayed for her to pass during the night so her suffering would end and so the pre-planning and logistics with the funeral homes could be taken care of before the kids woke up.  The nurse listened to Mom’s lungs and he told us her lungs were filling up and she would not be able to hold on too much longer.  

I was to the point of delirium.  The last six weeks had been emotionally taxing and physically draining.  The worry alone is enough to tire somebody out.  I felt bad stepping back to take a quick nap but I felt I had to in order to be prepared for the days to come.  Rochelle and the hospice nurse sat at the kitchen table and talked.  Rochelle told me later she had more respect for him once she learned more about him.  Come to find out, he was not an actual hospice nurse.  He was more of a home health nurse rather than hospice.  I felt bad for judging and overreacting once I learned this about him.  Rochelle eventually took a short nap by me.  Dad continued to stay by Mom’s side the entire time.  He did not take a nap but instead, he sat by the recliner and held Mom’s hand the whole time.

The long night finally ended and the sun came up.  We called Mom’s brothers and our friends to provide a status update.  Lloyd and Mary came as well as their daughter Alisa.  Once again, we circled around Mom and visited.  Thankfully the weather on Saturday, October 13^th was a typical fall day.  It was nothing like it was the week before (October 6^th).  The kids spent a majority of the day in the basement and outside playing with the neighborhood kids.  Rochelle and Scott live in a wonderful community and they are surrounded by phenomenal neighbors.  The neighbors knew what was going on and they helped with the kids so we could be with Mom.  

Mom continued to hang on.  She was resting comfortably and we were so thankful for that.   Around 11:00 that afternoon Mom’s brother Todd (and Dee) arrived at the house to be with her.  We continued to talk and stay by Mom’s side.  Shortly before 1:00 p.m. Todd and Dee decided it was time to go.  I could tell Todd was upset and he needed some time.  Just as he and Dee were leaving, Josh and Scott decided to make a trip to the store with Anisten, Holden and Bryson.  

We all wanted wanted to be close to Mom.  I sat in the chair to the right of Mom, Rochelle was sitting at Mom’s head and Dad was sitting to the left of Mom.  Dad suggested we pray around Mom.  Lloyd, Mary and Alisa joined our circle and we prayed.  Once again, when we said “Amen” Mom’s eyes opened.  We caressed Mom’s hands and head and told her it was okay to leave us.  I remember telling Mom, “This is not good bye, it’s see you later.”  All of a sudden, Mom’s right arm started turning blue and I looked at Rochelle and she softly gave me a nod, basically saying, “it’s happening.”  Mom made one final glance at Dad and she took her last breath.  I will never forget the look on Mom’s face right before she took her last breath.  I think she was telling us she was making her journey home.  She looked sad to leave the earth and her family behind but she knew she was making her journey to eternal life.  Mom departed her earthly life and was taken to the gates of heaven shortly after 1:00 p.m. (1300 hours) on Saturday, October 13, 2012.  

The moments after Mom’s passing were a blur.  We hugged one another and cried. I felt every emotion on the spectrum within a split second.  I was so sad to see Mom go yet I was relieved the pain and suffering had finally come to an end.  She was no longer hurting and we knew she was being welcomed into heaven with open arms.  There was a sense of peace but a terrible sense of loss.  Mom was our rock the unimaginable had just happened right before our eyes.    My sadness and worry shifted from Mom directly to Dad.    I no longer had to worry about “if or when” the cancer was going to come back.  My new focus was the horrific loss Dad just experienced.  Losing a parent is not an easy thing but I imagine losing a spouse is extremely difficult.  Mom and Dad had so many future plans and Mom was so full of life.  It was a very scary thought to know that Dad was alone.  Sure, he has us but we do not live with him or even close to him for that matter.  Dad is independent but the thought of him living in the house by himself made me almost physically sick. 

We feel as if Mom was holding on so she could see Todd and Dee.  They were unable to make it the night before and Mom needed to hear his voice one more time.  We also felt like Mom did not want her beautiful grandchildren to be present when she passed away.  God’s plan worked exactly how it was supposed to and we knew she was in a much better place!

Dad and Mom spent a total of 42 days in Gretna at Rochelle and Scott’s home.  As I have emphasized in prior entries, our parents were amazing role models for us and Dad continues to be.  At the moment of Mom’s passing I realized, Mom taught us how to live with dignity and grace and how to die with dignity and grace.

Below are the lyrics and the link to the song “Walking Her Home” by Mark Schultz.  The song talks about a couple who were married for 60 years and she passed away in a nursing home at the age of 85.  This is how I imagined Mom and Dad’s life together but this was not part of God’s master plan.  Mom and Dad made the most out of the time they had together.  They lived life to its fullest both in good times and in bad times.  They stood by one another and shared many wonderful years together. 

 

The last part of the song really holds true to Dad’s role not only during their 33 years together but his 100% dedication and involvement in Mom’s care.  Dad was by Mom’s side every day and night during the 42 days.  He stopped at nothing to make sure Mom was as comfortable as she could be.  He was holding her hand, walking her home, as she passed away.  

You will probably need a Kleenex for this one (if you don’t already have one). 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ODSx0UfAcA 

Looking back
He sees it all
It was her first date the night he came to call

Her dad said son
Have her home on time
And promise me you'll never leave her side
He took her to a show in town
And he was ten feet off the ground

He was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled it stole the breath right out of him
Down that old road
With the stars up above
He remembers where he was the night he fell in love
He was walking her home

Ten more years and a waiting room
At half past one
And the doctor said come in and meet your son

His knees went weak
When he saw his wife
She was smiling as she said he's got your eyes

And as she slept he held her tight
His mind went back to that first night

He walked her through the best days of her life
Sixty years together and he never left her side

A nursing home
At eighty-five
And the doctor said it could be her last night
And the nurse said Oh
Should we tell him now
Or should he wait until the morning to find out

But when they checked her room that night
He was laying by her side

He was walking her home
Holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled when he said this is not the end
And just for a while they were eighteen
And she was still more beautiful to him than anything
He was walking her home
He was walking her home

Looking back
He sees it all
It was her first date the night he came to call