Gates of Heaven

Thursday, October 11, 2012 was another day Mom was given on earth.  She did well through the night and thankfully it was fairly uneventful.  Mom had gotten up a couple of times to use the restroom and to take some pain medications.  We chose to have Mom take oral morphine rather than having her be hooked up to an IV.  We did not want her to be burdened with more lines and cords to be connected to her.  We wanted her to be as comfortable as possible during her final days. 

Dad and I were with Mom the morning of October 11, 2012 as Rochelle and Scott were working.  The girls were at daycare.  I remember having a difficult time getting Mom out of bed that morning.  She was so weak.  We got her sat up and in bed and she was having a terrible time breathing. We had her oxygen hooked up and we tried out best to remain calm.  She eventually was able to somewhat catch her breath and we got her in her wheelchair.  At this point she was too weak and tired to shower so we arranged with hospice to have them come to the house on Friday, October 12 to give mom a sponge bath.  In the past, Mom always liked to shower both in the morning and at night.  She probably was not a fan of the sponge baths but I am sure she was thankful for the effort.

It was clear that Mom was not very comfortable in her recliner.  Her catheter was bothering her and she seemed restless and in pain.  We gave her the scheduled pain medications and she eventually calmed down.  The rest of the day went fairly well as best as I can recall.  Dad and I decided to make a call to Mom’s boss to let him know Mom was on hospice.  Mom’s boss Jim had just visited a week or so prior.  He was in Omaha for meetings and wanted to stop by to see Mom.  Mom was excited to see Jim but with that came some hesitation.  Mom knew she could not return to work and she did not feel it was fair to the hospital for them to hold her position.  Mom knew the demands of her job and she knew they needed to start looking to fill her position. I remember seeing tears build up in Mom’s eyes as she relayed the information to Jim.  Jim took the news well but he also reassured her that the job was hers as long as she wanted it.   

Ryan and Andrea (Swanson) Kuester brought supper that evening.  Mom did not eat but she thoroughly enjoyed the company.  Along with pizza, Andrea brought food prepared by some of her co-workers as well as a prayer blanket.  I think Andrea was taken back by Mom’s current state of health.  She had declined so rapidly it and it was hard for Andrea to see Mom that ill.  Andrea presented Mom with a beautiful blanket made by some women from her church.  Andrea handed the blanket to Mom and read a very nice message to her.  Andrea teared up as she was reading to Mom but as usual, Mom did not shed a tear.  She graciously listened as Andrea read to her.  As he blanket was being made the women prayed for Mom the entire time.  It was so humbling knowing complete strangers were praying for Mom during this time of need.  

Throughout the course of the evening Mom was sleeping a lot and sometimes she would sleep talk.  It seemed as if she was doing more sleep talking than normal but we were prepared for this.  The nurses also warned us about the side effects of morphine.  It can make people hallucinate.  Mom would come in and out of the conversations between her naps.  I was sitting in a kitchen chair to the right of Mom’s recliner.  When she woke up from one of her naps, I could tell she had something to say because she kept looking at the wall and then looking back at me.  She had a grin and she said to me, “See those bugs.  Look at all of those bugs.  They are crawling around everywhere.”  I was conflicted as to whether or not I should play along or tell her there were no bugs.  Mom always told me she could tell exactly what I was thinking based on my facial expressions.  Clearly I did not do a good job of hiding it because she said, “You don’t believe me, do you.”  I smiled and told her there were no bugs.

Rochelle got home from work and she joined us for supper.  At the time, there was a country folk themed sign hanging above the television in the living room.  It was a long sign that had the alphabet across the top with a farm scene as the main center point.  Mom woke up when Rochelle came home and once again, she started staring at the wall.  She pointed out to Rochelle that one of the letters in the alphabet sign were missing.  Mom really had us going.  I had looked at that sign several times but assumed all of the letters were there.  Imagine a room full of adults looking hard at a sign to make sure all 26 letters were properly pained on the sign.  We agreed no letters were missing.  Mom joined in on the laugh we got.  

Mom stayed up a little past her bedtime that night because she was enjoying the company.  It was around 8:30 when we started getting her ready for bed.  Thankfully Scott was in the living room that evening because it took all four of us to get Mom out of the recliner.  Her legs were incredibly weak and she did not have the strength to get out of the recliner.  We barely got her to stand at her walker and we immediately got her into her wheelchair.  As we were wheeling her to her room she started talking in ways we could not understand.  It was jumbled and it did not make sense.  We continued to wheel her into the room and begin the nightly routine of getting her ready for bed.  At one point, one word was spoken very clear and Rochelle and I heard it.  As we were positioning Mom into bed, Mom said, “Heaven.”  Rochelle and I looked at each other and Rochelle asked her again what she said.  Mom did not answer.    It was a very special moment and one I will never forget.  

Mom was laying on her left side and Rochelle, Dad and I were standing in front of her by the bed.  Mom looked up towards us yet beyond where we were standing.  At first we did not think she could focus on us due to the disease.  She continued to look beyond us and asked, “Who is that woman with a cup?”   Rochelle, Dad and I looked at each other to try and figure out what Mom was talking about.  She asked again, “Who is that women with long hair with a cup?  She keeps trying to give me something to drink.”   We thought maybe she was confused and was talking about Andrea.  We reminded her that Andrea and Ryan left and her response was, “I know Andrea Swanson but who is that women with a cup?” What Mom was seeing was real and we feel she was starting to cross over.  We kissed her on the cheek and told her we loved her and we would see her in the morning. 

I did not sleep well that night.  I was nervous about Rochelle and Scott being at work and I was not confident Dad and I could handle Mom alone given how weak she had become.  I knew the hospice nurse was planning on coming to the house to give Mom a bath but I was still very uneasy given my lack of caregiving skills.  I knew it took all four of us to get Mom out of the recliner the evening before so I was not sure how Dad and I were going to handle it alone.  Anisten did not sleep well that evening either.  She woke me up as she was passing by the couch I was sleeping on.  She was crying because her throat hurt.  I walked with her to the spare bedroom downstairs to let Rochelle and Scott know.  Anisten ended up sleeping with Rochelle and Scott the rest of the night.  The main thing is Mom slept quite well.  She only woke up one time and was able to go right back to sleep.  Dad said she had a peaceful night. 

Friday, October 12, 2012 is another day our family will forever cherish.  I was rubbing the sleep from my eyes as Scott was passing through the living room to the bedroom.  He asked me if he thought if it would be okay to go into the bedroom to get his lapel pin.  October is breast cancer awareness month and the teachers at Scott’s school decided to wear their pink ribbon lapel pins that Friday.  Scott went into his room to get the pin and when he came out he had a look on his face.  He said, “It smells like incense in there.”  I said, “What?”  He said, “It smells just like a Catholic church.”  I asked him if he is sure it wasn’t the Sarna lotion, which has a very distinct menthol smell.  Scott said, “No. It definitely smells like incense.” 

I jumped off the couch and went into the bedroom.  As I walked through the door, the smell of incense hit me in the face.  The smell was so strong and it was undeniable that it was incense.  We ran over to Dad and woke him up to let him know.  Dad was disappointed because he could not smell it.  We told him to walk out of the room and come back in.  He had been in the room all night so he could not distinguish the smell.  Dad went and took a shower downstairs and when he came back in the room, the faint smell of incense was still present.  Dad smelled it and he knew this was big!  We felt so incredibly blessed. 

Scott left for work and I called Rochelle at work.  I explained to her the whole situation and she was blown away.  She did note however, that she was disappointed that she did not get to experience it.  I was sad for her too but the fact that Scott, Dad and I smelled it we knew it was real and we knew with the events from the night before, God was really giving us strong signs that he was close to welcoming Mom to heaven.  After I got off the phone with Rochelle, I called Josh to let him know what had happened.  I told him the end is near and it would be a good idea that he and the boys head to Gretna to be with us.  I also called hospice to see if Mom could be seen first thing in the morning for her bath.  The hospice nurses rearranged their schedules and they confirmed Mom would be the first patient. 

That morning was very unusual.  During the past 41 days, Mom would nudge Dad around 7:00 to wake him and to let him know she was ready to get out of bed.  Mom did not do that on October 12^th.  She continued to sleep well into the morning.  We tried waking her but she did not respond.  She was resting comfortably and we were satisfied.  The aide showed up around 10:00 and Mom was still sleeping.  The aide was such a wonderful lady.  She was very kind and gentle and she took her time.  Mom slept during the duration of her bath.  One of the hospice nurses showed up around 10:30 in order to help us get Mom out of bed and into the recliner.  I could tell by the look on the nurse’s face that she knew Mom was dying.  Rather than filling the pit in the bottom of my stomach, I was showered with an overwhelming sense of peace.   Don’t get me wrong, I was sad to lose Mom but I knew God was in the process of welcoming his child home.  I knew Mom was starting to make her final journey home given the miracles we experienced the night before as well as that morning.  

We witnessed yet another miracle.  As we were getting her out of bed, she sat up with ease and her breathing was not labored.  She did not have the usual look of panic in her eyes like she had the previous mornings.  She sat on the side of the bed for a short time and we were able to get her to her wheelchair and to the recliner in the living room.  The nurses helped us get her situated, gave Mom her scheduled pain medications and they left.  Before Mom’s health took a turn for the worse, she expressed to Rochelle and Scott about not wanting to leave bad memories in their home.  She also told them she did not want to die in their bed.  Rochelle and Scott were happy to have Mom and Dad and they did not worry about the details.  What mattered is they were able to spend a lot of quality time with Mom having her at their house rather than in Indianola or in a hospice facility. 

Mom’s typical pattern in the past would be to take her pain medications every few hours during the day.  Mom was resting comfortably in the recliner and she did not wake up around noon to take her next round of pills.  Dad and I decided Runza sounded good for lunch so I took orders and drove to Runza in Gretna.  I also stopped by Gretna Drug to pick up more prescriptions for Mom.  I called my good friend Dena to see how her mother was doing and to let her know about our situation.  I was very upbeat given the multiple spiritual experiences we witnessed in less than 24 hours. 

When I was at Gretna Drug these beautiful angels caught my attention. 

I knew we had to have three of the purple angels.  I purchased the purple angels because Mom was born in February.  I wanted Rochelle and Dad to have one to hang on their mirrors in the vehicle  to remind them of Mom.  I also picked up an angel with garnet wings (January) for Dena so she could be reminded of her mother as well.  When I returned from Runza and Gretna Drug I expected Mom to be awake, however, she was not.  I asked Dad if she had been awake while I was gone and Dad said she had not woken up.  

Dad and I sat at the kitchen table and ate lunch while Mom rested in her recliner.  After lunch Dad and I started working on thank you notes to send to all of the generous farmers for taking over harvest and for getting all of our crops out which allowed us to spend as much time possible with Mom.  During this time, Mom continued to rest comfortably, not waking to take her scheduled medications.

Around 2:00 p.m., Dad and I continued to find just the right words to express our sincere gratitude to our neighbors and everybody else that stepped in and helped during Mom’s illness.  Dad told me that he really wanted Mom to open her eyes just one more time.  Just then, Mom took a really deep breath and then it was silent for what seemed like an eternity.   We looked at each other Dad said, “This is it.” Mom eventually started breathing again but it seemed different since she took the one big breath.  Dad has been present when other family members have passed away so he knew what the deep breath meant.  We decided it was time to call a priest so Mom could receive the sacrament of anointing of the sick.  

We called the local church to see if the priest would come to the house.  We were told the priest had left for vacation earlier in the day and were given a different phone number for another priest.  We called the second number and that priest was getting ready to leave town to go to his niece’s wedding but agreed to stop by the house on his way out of town.  Dad stepped outside and started calling Mom’s brothers and friends at home to let them know the end was near.  Mom and I were the only two in the house at that moment and I sat at Mom’s head and told her how much I loved her and what an honor it was to be her daughter.  Just as I was kissing her on her forehead, Josh and the boys walked through the front door.  Shortly thereafter the priest pulled up in his red Volkswagen bug.  The priest give Mom her last rights and we concluded by holding hands and saying a prayer over Mom.  As we said “amen” she opened her eyes and looked at us.  Once again, God delivered!  Dad previously said he wanted to see her eyes and there they were.  Mom hadn’t opened her eyes for several hours but when she heard “Amen” her eyes immediately opened.  She then closed them and continued to rest comfortably. 

Throughout the day, Rochelle would call from work to check on Mom.  We told her of the situation so she was somewhat prepared when she got home from work.  Scott got home and we shared with him what had occurred that afternoon.  The sadness took over and the tears started building in his eyes.  Mom’s brother Lloyd came to the house to be with us.  He brought meals and desserts, some of which Aunt Mary had made and some that was sent from our friends in Cambridge and Indianola.  We all gathered around Mom and just told stories and talked normal.  Mom’s brother Eldon (and Carol) arrived and they too joined us in reminiscing.   We had the fire place running and we circled around Mom. 

We did not think that Mom was going to make it through the evening much less the night.  Mom’s brothers and spouses stayed until around midnight and they asked us to call them should Mom pass during the night.  Mom’s breathing continued to worsen and she did not wake up.  Hospice was informed of the situation and they told us to keep them updated and to call with any questions or concerns.  Not once did we leave her side.  We were running on very little sleep but our adrenaline was running high and we wanted to be right there with Mom to hold her hand.  

Around 2:00 a.m. a storm started brewing.  The lightning and thunder were very intense.  It seemed strange to have a thunderstorm in the middle of October.  We decided it was best for Scott and Josh to try to get some sleep so they could care for the kids in the upcoming days.  Before they went to bed, they each leaned down, kissed Mom on the cheek and told her they loved her.  We all held hands and prayed around Mom.  

By 2:30 a.m. Mom became restless.  She continued to show the end of life signs that the hospice nurses talked to us about during our meeting on October 11^th.  At that point, we called the hospice number and asked for a hospice nurse to assist us with Mom’s care.  The next hour was emotionally painful.  Mom opened her eyes and it was similar to the look we saw a week ago when she had a reaction to the Ativan.  Mom acted as if she needed something but she could not express it to us.  She moved her right hand and it appeared as if she was pointing to her stomach.  We took this as she was itching so we found the awful smelling lotion and started rubbing her stomach, arm and back.  Time stood still.  It was if the hospice nurse forgot we called and we felt stranded.  We called back and they referred us to the emergency kit in the refrigerator.  The woman on the phone told Rochelle how much of what medication to give to Mom.  The woman also reassured us the nurse was on the way.  We continued to tell Mom we were prepared for her to go to heaven.  We promised her we would be fine and we begged her to go home.  Clearly, it was not quite Mom’s time. 

At 3:45 a hospice nurse finally showed up. It was the same nurse who came by the house on Wednesday.  He was slow and it seemed like he could not make a decision.  He would throw out several choices and then leave it up to the family to make the final call.   It was really frustrating because we expected him to be able to make a decision but with some input from us.  It was not fair to Rochelle to put her in that position.  Just because she is a nurse does not mean she should be put in a situation to make decisions and administer medications she is not familiar with to her dying mother.  The only comparison I can come up with to shed light on this matter is a cardiologist performing brain surgery.  Rochelle handled the situation very well and we were so thankful she was there to interpret what the hospice nurse was telling us.  

I have a story that one cannot appreciate unless you were there but made one again we tried to make the most out of the situation.  The hospice nurse was dancing the same dance as he previously did when he showed up the first time.  Once again, he did not bring in his bag of supplies.  He had to keep going out to his car to look to see if he had what he needed.  Remember, we were in the middle of an obnoxious lightning storm.  At one point when he was out digging in his car, the sharpest lightening hit and the loud boom of thunder followed.  Dad, Rochelle and I looked at each other and laughed yet we were concerned about the hospice nurse.  We looked out the front door to see if he was still standing.  Obviously we hoped he was safe but the lack of sleep and the previous annoyances with the nurse made the situation funny.  He walked back through the front door and admitted the storm was pretty intense.  

Nobody but God knows when it is someone’s time but it is nice to have a general time frame from a medical professional so one can be prepare themselves.  We were not sure how much longer Mom could continue down this path.  The unknowns are the worse part.  The thought of losing Mom was terrifying but I was mentally prepared for her to pass.  I prayed for her to pass during the night so her suffering would end and so the pre-planning and logistics with the funeral homes could be taken care of before the kids woke up.  The nurse listened to Mom’s lungs and he told us her lungs were filling up and she would not be able to hold on too much longer.  

I was to the point of delirium.  The last six weeks had been emotionally taxing and physically draining.  The worry alone is enough to tire somebody out.  I felt bad stepping back to take a quick nap but I felt I had to in order to be prepared for the days to come.  Rochelle and the hospice nurse sat at the kitchen table and talked.  Rochelle told me later she had more respect for him once she learned more about him.  Come to find out, he was not an actual hospice nurse.  He was more of a home health nurse rather than hospice.  I felt bad for judging and overreacting once I learned this about him.  Rochelle eventually took a short nap by me.  Dad continued to stay by Mom’s side the entire time.  He did not take a nap but instead, he sat by the recliner and held Mom’s hand the whole time.

The long night finally ended and the sun came up.  We called Mom’s brothers and our friends to provide a status update.  Lloyd and Mary came as well as their daughter Alisa.  Once again, we circled around Mom and visited.  Thankfully the weather on Saturday, October 13^th was a typical fall day.  It was nothing like it was the week before (October 6^th).  The kids spent a majority of the day in the basement and outside playing with the neighborhood kids.  Rochelle and Scott live in a wonderful community and they are surrounded by phenomenal neighbors.  The neighbors knew what was going on and they helped with the kids so we could be with Mom.  

Mom continued to hang on.  She was resting comfortably and we were so thankful for that.   Around 11:00 that afternoon Mom’s brother Todd (and Dee) arrived at the house to be with her.  We continued to talk and stay by Mom’s side.  Shortly before 1:00 p.m. Todd and Dee decided it was time to go.  I could tell Todd was upset and he needed some time.  Just as he and Dee were leaving, Josh and Scott decided to make a trip to the store with Anisten, Holden and Bryson.  

We all wanted wanted to be close to Mom.  I sat in the chair to the right of Mom, Rochelle was sitting at Mom’s head and Dad was sitting to the left of Mom.  Dad suggested we pray around Mom.  Lloyd, Mary and Alisa joined our circle and we prayed.  Once again, when we said “Amen” Mom’s eyes opened.  We caressed Mom’s hands and head and told her it was okay to leave us.  I remember telling Mom, “This is not good bye, it’s see you later.”  All of a sudden, Mom’s right arm started turning blue and I looked at Rochelle and she softly gave me a nod, basically saying, “it’s happening.”  Mom made one final glance at Dad and she took her last breath.  I will never forget the look on Mom’s face right before she took her last breath.  I think she was telling us she was making her journey home.  She looked sad to leave the earth and her family behind but she knew she was making her journey to eternal life.  Mom departed her earthly life and was taken to the gates of heaven shortly after 1:00 p.m. (1300 hours) on Saturday, October 13, 2012.  

The moments after Mom’s passing were a blur.  We hugged one another and cried. I felt every emotion on the spectrum within a split second.  I was so sad to see Mom go yet I was relieved the pain and suffering had finally come to an end.  She was no longer hurting and we knew she was being welcomed into heaven with open arms.  There was a sense of peace but a terrible sense of loss.  Mom was our rock the unimaginable had just happened right before our eyes.    My sadness and worry shifted from Mom directly to Dad.    I no longer had to worry about “if or when” the cancer was going to come back.  My new focus was the horrific loss Dad just experienced.  Losing a parent is not an easy thing but I imagine losing a spouse is extremely difficult.  Mom and Dad had so many future plans and Mom was so full of life.  It was a very scary thought to know that Dad was alone.  Sure, he has us but we do not live with him or even close to him for that matter.  Dad is independent but the thought of him living in the house by himself made me almost physically sick. 

We feel as if Mom was holding on so she could see Todd and Dee.  They were unable to make it the night before and Mom needed to hear his voice one more time.  We also felt like Mom did not want her beautiful grandchildren to be present when she passed away.  God’s plan worked exactly how it was supposed to and we knew she was in a much better place!

Dad and Mom spent a total of 42 days in Gretna at Rochelle and Scott’s home.  As I have emphasized in prior entries, our parents were amazing role models for us and Dad continues to be.  At the moment of Mom’s passing I realized, Mom taught us how to live with dignity and grace and how to die with dignity and grace.

Below are the lyrics and the link to the song “Walking Her Home” by Mark Schultz.  The song talks about a couple who were married for 60 years and she passed away in a nursing home at the age of 85.  This is how I imagined Mom and Dad’s life together but this was not part of God’s master plan.  Mom and Dad made the most out of the time they had together.  They lived life to its fullest both in good times and in bad times.  They stood by one another and shared many wonderful years together. 

 

The last part of the song really holds true to Dad’s role not only during their 33 years together but his 100% dedication and involvement in Mom’s care.  Dad was by Mom’s side every day and night during the 42 days.  He stopped at nothing to make sure Mom was as comfortable as she could be.  He was holding her hand, walking her home, as she passed away.  

You will probably need a Kleenex for this one (if you don’t already have one). 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ODSx0UfAcA 

Looking back
He sees it all
It was her first date the night he came to call

Her dad said son
Have her home on time
And promise me you'll never leave her side
He took her to a show in town
And he was ten feet off the ground

He was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled it stole the breath right out of him
Down that old road
With the stars up above
He remembers where he was the night he fell in love
He was walking her home

Ten more years and a waiting room
At half past one
And the doctor said come in and meet your son

His knees went weak
When he saw his wife
She was smiling as she said he's got your eyes

And as she slept he held her tight
His mind went back to that first night

He walked her through the best days of her life
Sixty years together and he never left her side

A nursing home
At eighty-five
And the doctor said it could be her last night
And the nurse said Oh
Should we tell him now
Or should he wait until the morning to find out

But when they checked her room that night
He was laying by her side

He was walking her home
Holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled when he said this is not the end
And just for a while they were eighteen
And she was still more beautiful to him than anything
He was walking her home
He was walking her home

Looking back
He sees it all
It was her first date the night he came to call

Hospice

Throughout Mom’s illness, we met some wonderful caretakers and we developed lifelong friendships with some of them.  Dad was Mom’s primary care taker during her terminal illness and there were times he needed to step away so he could relax.  Rochelle scheduled an appointment for Dad at Skilled Touch and Massage in Gretna.   During his first appointment, he met the owner, Jean.  Jean is a very compassionate woman who understood firsthand what we were going through.  Jean’s daughter was getting ready to undergo a stem cell transplant in November due to leukemia. 

Dad and Jean connected as caretakers and Jean asked if she could come to Rochelle and Scott’s home to give Mom an oncology massage.  Dad was thankful for the offer and he took her up on it.  Mom thoroughly enjoyed the massages from Jean and her staff.  The sessions provided relaxation for Mom and she always looked forward to the next massage.  

Jean called Dad early in the week (October 8, 2012) to see if she could come give Mom a massage.  Mom did not have an appointment until later in the week but Jean told Dad she really felt a strong need to see Mom.  Mom welcomed the extra massage and after the session, Jean told our family she would like to have one of her staff members to try a technique called “Reiki” on Mom.  Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by "laying on hands" and is based on the idea that an unseen "life force energy" flows through us and is what causes us to be alive.  Following the Reiki session, we asked Mom how she felt and her response was, “I feel like I am moving in the right direction.”  

The nurse practitioner from the VNA revisited Mom on Monday, October 8, 2012.  During the visit Mom was in the recliner in the living room and Ro and Dad were sitting at the kitchen table behind the recliner discussing with her the issue we had on Saturday night regarding the adverse reaction to the medications.  Once again the medications were changed due to Mom’s needs and the nurse practitioner left after all of their questions were answered.  Apparently Mom was sleeping with her ears wide open.  Later that day Mom said to Ro and Dad, “I guess I was a pain in the ass the other night” as she shrugged her shoulders and somewhat grinned.   The details of the night were spared but Mom was reassured she had not lost her mind and those medications would not be given to her again.  Thankfully Mom did not remember a thing about that night, much like the way she did not remember a vast majority of the clinical trial in 1994.  

It was much easier on Mom to have her on the main floor.  I think it was a huge relief that she did not have to go up and down the stairs daily.  Rochelle also found it very comforting to have Mom at their home.  On the days she worked, she missed Mom terribly but she knew that Mom would be there waiting for her when her shift ended.  Ro and Mom had a conversation about dying.  Ro asked her one night if she was afraid to die.  Mom paused and responded by saying she was not afraid to die but she was sad to leave her family.  Mom adored her family and she did anything for us.  She once said she would take a bullet for her family.  She was used to being the patient and if anybody had to be in that position, she was thankful it was her and not one of us.  

The thought of not being able to have our daily phone calls, or to exchange our daily emails at work, or schedule weekend visits (the list goes on and on) was starting to sink in.  Selfishly we wanted to hold on to Mom and not let her go but we all knew this world had nothing left to offer and she would soon make the journey to heaven.  As a family you want to do everything to keep your loved one “just one more day” but you also get to the point where you are so sad to continue to see your loved one suffer that you are ready to let them go just to end the physical suffering. 

The calls on Monday and Tuesday morning were hard to hear.  Ro reported that Mom was having a hard time breathing and her lungs were really starting to take on fluid.  She was so weak that moving her from one space to another was becoming more of a challenge than ever.  The only food mom consumed was a little bite of pudding so her pain pills could be swallowed.  He throat was weak and her appetite was gone.  During our conversation on Tuesday morning, I was not prepared for Rochelle was ready to tell me.  She and Dad had time to talk and with Mom’s input, they decided it was time for hospice.  I did not want to hear the “H” word because I knew it was the final step before death.  I knew the day was drawing near but it all seemed to happen so fast.  No matter how prepared you think you are, it does not make it any easier when the dreaded day finally comes. I knew this decision was in Mom’s best interest therefore I had to put my selfish desires aside and accept we were at the point of hospice.  Once hospice takes over, we would no longer be involved with the palliative care nurse practitioner and staff.  We developed strong relationships with the palliative care staff in such a short time and we will forever be grateful for the wonderful care they provided to Mom.  Dad and Ro called the VNA to let them know we were ready to put Mom on hospice. 

   

Wednesday, October 10, 2012 Dad called me fairly early at work on my cell phone.  I could tell he had been crying.  He reported that Mom had a rough night and the morning was not going well.  He said she could not catch her breath and she was panicking which was making it worse.  He said they had been in contact with hospice and they were going to be starting Mom on morphine to make her comfortable.  It was his understanding the morphine was going to be administered that afternoon/evening so he suggested if I wanted to have one final conversation with Mom I should probably get to Gretna sooner rather than later. 

I got off the phone with Dad and told my boss what was going on.  I did not have time log off my computer because my boss and co-workers were handing me my purse and coat and pushing me out of the door.  I was very appreciative and I cried as I pulled out of the parking lot.  I called Josh to let him know what was going on and that I needed to leave town immediately.  I went home, threw in a few items and rushed out the door.  As I was packing, the magnitude of the situation had not set in.  I packed some comfy clothes, toiletries and hair products.  At one point the thought crossed my mind about packing something for the funeral.  I had an outfit picked out but I put it back on the hanger and left for Gretna.  I must have been in denial.  I thought I would have time to return back home and this cycle would continue for some time.

As I was driving on I-435 north towards Omaha, I felt the need to call somebody.  My heart was racing and I wanted to snap my fingers and be in Gretna with my family.  I called my uncle Brett to update him.  I am so thankful he took my call during his work hours.  He and I had a good conversation.  We talked about how he was 21 when Grandpa Cliff passed away and how difficult it was to see him suffer.  I was only 28 at the time and I could not imagine losing Mom.  I was terrified.  I started feeling like I was having a panic attack.  I had never previously experienced one but I know that is what was happening.  I could feel my heart beating so hard, my body was numb and all of a sudden I could not focus on the road.  Everything started going black and as I looked down at my speedometer, I was traveling well over 80 mph.  I had a strong feeling I was going to pass out as I was flying down the highway.  I was traveling in the left hand lane and quickly pulled over and stopped.  I never passed out but I sat there for several minutes before continuing to drive.  Brett stayed on the phone with me the whole time which was very reassuring.  

I turned on my iPod and started listing to “One Thing Remains” and sang my lungs out over and over until I got close to Omaha.  I finally turned on K-Love for a slight change of pace and the song “Even If” by Kutless was playing.  That was the first time I had ever heard that song and it was very fitting and timely.  I previously linked the video to the entry titled “The End Is Near.”  I really feel God was speaking directly to me at that point.  He was telling me it was not His will for Mom to beat the battle but we have to continue to have faith and to trust Him.  That was a defining moment for me.  It was that very moment I came to terms that Mom was going to pass away soon.  The thought brought me to tears but I was at peace with it.  I knew she was going to soon be walking through the gates of Heaven and be greeted by God and her friends and family that had gone before her.  It was comforting knowing she would no longer have to endure the pain she had been experiencing throughout her battle with cancer.  She was going to leave this cruel world and be welcomed to a place with no sadness or worrying and to a place that was filled with angelic choirs and streets of gold!  I knew we would have our personal guardian angel and we would no longer have to arrange weeks in advance to see each other because I knew she would be walking with each one of us every step of every day.

The following quote was taken from the Kutless website which talks about the meaning behind the song, “Even If.”

“From a spiritual perspective, ‘Even If’ is probably the most difficult and challenging song on our new record,” explains frontman Jon Micah Sumrall. “It directly addresses the question of ‘what do we do when the answer to our prayers is no?’ I have grown to realize that while we often pray for temporary or immediate comfort, God is doing a work on an eternal scale that far exceeds anything we could have ever imagined. He never promises that life will be easy, only that He will be faithful to never leave us or forsake us, and He promises that the end of the story will be glorious.”

Kutless wants listeners to know that even when hurt and heartache persist, they must trust that God knows best, and that while we may not understand immediately why we must endure these things, ultimately He is in control and is creating what will some day be a glorious ending. (http://www.todayschristianmusic.com/artists/kutless/news/kutless-newest-radio-single-even-if-resonates-strongly-with-fans/)

As I was nearing Gretna, Rochelle called me and asked me to stop in at the Gretna Wal-Mart to pick up some supplies for Mom.  As I was nearing the store, I had a strong urge to call Bruce.  Bruce is a very spiritual man and I knew he would have great in sight and would provide comfort in such a difficult situation.  I was a nanny for Bruce’s family during a summer in college.  I also lived with family during the summer of 2006 through October 2006.  They are such a wonderful family and I grew very close to each of them.  I called Bruce on his cell phone and he answered. We greeted one another and he told me as he was driving a few days prior, he felt the need to pray for me so he did.  I was very humbled and taken back by our conversation.  I then told him about Mom.  He was the person I needed to talk to at that very moment.  He provided words of wisdom and I will be forever grateful for meeting Bruce and his family.  Our paths crossed for a reason and it was so comforting visiting with him.  

Once I finally arrived at Ro and Scott’s I saw an unfamiliar vehicle in the drive way.  As I was walking to the house, a lady introduced herself as a respiratory therapist via hospice.  She was delivering the oxygen supplies needed for Mom.  This was very surreal and I knew it was going to be hard for me to continue to put on a brave face.  I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.  I knew we had to be strong for Mom and God gave us the strength.  I went inside and hugged Mom as she was patiently waiting in the recliner.  She smiled and was glad to see me.  The respiratory therapist got Mom hooked up to the oxygen machine and explained it to us.  Rochelle was very familiar with it so I did not pay close attention to the instructions.  I sat and talked to Mom and she seemed at peace.  She did not look scared or afraid.  She acted as if this is how it was supposed to be and she seemed confident in her decision to welcome hospice into the home.  Before the respiratory therapist left she confirmed that another nurse would be stopping by soon to put in a catheter.  Mom was getting too weak to use the restroom and with the start of morphine the catheter was necessary.  Mom seemed very comfortable and relieved once she was hooked up to the oxygen.  When the nurse arrived for the catheter, I went to the basement with Scott and the girls. 

Scott and I had a good conversation while waiting.  We shed a few tears but we were okay.  The procedure seemed to take longer than it should have and I was growing more impatient than ever.  Rochelle came downstairs and I could tell she was upset.  She too was frustrated how slow the process was going.  Rochelle is a very good nurse and it was difficult for her to stand back and let someone else take care of Mom. We later learned that Mom was his last patient and the supplies were somewhat limited.  He eventually got Mom settled and he left for the evening.  

It was surreal to see Mom on oxygen but it was nice to see that she appeared more relaxed.  The oxygen provided more mental support than physical support but it was comforting seeing her not struggle and panic when it came to breathing.   We all take breathing for granted but when you literally wonder where your next breath is going to come from is a very scary thought.  

We had supper and were sitting in the living room watching the DIY channel.  She had been fairly quiet most of the evening, as if she was processing information.  All of a sudden, Mom sat up and said, “We need to have a family meeting.” Dad, Ro, Scott and I gathered around the recliner.  I wish Josh could have been there but he was at home taking care of the boys.  

Mom wanted to address several items and she had quite the agenda.  Shortly after the meeting started, all of us were crying except for Mom.  Not once during the meeting did she shed a tear.  She was very matter of fact and she definitely controlled the meeting.  She told Dad not to be "stupid" on the farm.  She worried about him having an accident on the farm during harvest and the late nights.  Ro and I promised to call Dad every day to check in on him to make sure he was doing okay.  Mom also told Dad that she did not want him to live alone.  At that time, it was hard for Dad to imagine being with anyone other than Mom but Dad listened to what she had to say. 

Mom looked specifically at Scott and told him to take care of our family.  Mom really loved her son-in-laws and she trusted them to look after our family.  Scott agreed to keep Dad in line as well as the rest of us.  

Mom told Rochelle and I to be proactive with our health.  She emphasized the importance of getting our baseline mammograms and staying on top of things.  She told us she never wants us to experience what she had and we promised her we would take care of ourselves.   Ro told Mom that she would get her baseline mammogram once her OB/GYN agreed.  Her doctor wanted her to be at least six months post-partum before she would order a baseline mammogram.  I informed Mom that I had already made an appointment at the Breast Cancer Prevention Center for my baseline mammogram.  My appointment was set for October 23, 2012.   I could tell Mom was pleased with our news on our preventative measures. 

Mom told us to enjoy every day with our children.  She reminded us of the importance of letting them be kids and to be thankful they are able to be active.  She told us to hug and kiss them every day and to let them know how much they are loved.

One thing Mom focused on was not going to bed mad.  She told us that when she and Dad would have disagreements, they would always make up before bedtime.  I will never forget when she said, “Do not go to bed mad.”  She was very matter of fact and adamant.  Mom and Dad stood by this rule for the 33 years they were married.  I believe they were a couple that were admired.  Mom and Dad had something very special and it was beautiful to see them together during the time they had.

Through the tears, Scott had a very heartwarming, genuine visit with Mom.  We were all still in the room but it was as if it were only Scott and Mom.  I do not remember everything that was said but I recall Scott saying how much he loved Mom and was so thankful to be blessed with such a wonderful mother-in-law.  Had Josh been there, he would have said the same thing.  

Once everything was said that needed to be said, Mom basically said she was done and she laid back in her recliner and took a short nap.  Shortly after the family meeting and her nap, Mom was ready for bed.  We got her to the room and positioned into bed for the night.  Once again, tears rolled down her cheek as we were positioning her for the evening.  We kissed her on the cheek, told her we loved her and that we would see her in the morning.  

Mom was so strong both mentally and physically.  We concluded that the only way she made it through the family meeting without shedding a tear was by the grace of God.  We feel as if divine intervention took place and Mom was at peace with what was in the very near future.  We also wondered if the “burst of energy” during the family meeting was the same energy the nurses previously told us about.  We knew we were heading into more unfamiliar territory but we were thankful that hospice was going to be there to help us through the process. 

On Thursday, October 11, 2012 we met with the hospice nurse through the VNA.  Mom rested in her recliner and Dad, Ro and I sat at the kitchen table with the nurse.  She brought a booklet and discussed with us their role and what to expect.  It was uncomfortable talking sensitive subjects in front of Mom but it was something that needed to be discussed.  For example, we talked about contacting the local funeral home and arranging transport from Gretna to the funeral home in McCook, contacting the cemetery, the emergency kit of medications that were to be kept in the refrigerator and the physical signs of end of life.   They told us she would eventually start sleeping more and ultimately quit eating.  The nurse also emphasized that patients need reassured/permission to pass away.  I am sure Mom had her ears open just like she had in the past but not one time did she seem uncomfortable with the conversation.  I would occasionally get up from the table and sit by her to try and distract her from the conversation in the kitchen.  Mom was a realist and very matter of fact.  If she was listening, she knew it was something that needed to be discussed and the planner in her was probably thankful we were getting the details discussed in advance.  

Below are the lyrics and the song to “Hold On” by 33 Miles

 

I've been there a thousand times
Felt the rain like a thousand knives
And it hurts, I know it hurts

I've been there like a fighter plane
Trying to fly my way through a hurricane
And it's hard, I know it's hard

Don't be afraid, you'll make it through
Just call out to me and I'll come running to you

And hold on, hold on
When the current pulls you under
And your heart beats like thunder
Just give me your hand

And hold on, hold on
Until the storm is over
And I'll be fighting for you
Just give me your hand and hold on

I give you hope, I give you faith
And if it's dark I light the way
For you, for you

By your side until the end
Until you're standing tall again
I'm here, I'll always be here

And if the tide sweeps you out to sea
When your strength is gone and it's hard to believe
Hold on, hold on

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNwS4cGc2Wk&feature=kp