The early months of 2012 brought some unwelcomed
news but we were learning to deal with the “new norm.” Dad healed well from his surgery and Mom was
getting favorable results from her oral chemo.
I always enjoyed receiving calls, texts and emails during the day from
Mom. It was so refreshing to hear good
news when I would ask Mom how her “rash” was doing. The oral chemo seemed to be taking control
and life seemed to be getting back on track.
Mom continued to follow up in Omaha and her doctors were pleased with
the results.
Mom and Dad planned a quick trip to Minnesota in
June with some good friends. They had
the trip planned for a couple of months.
It was a big deal to get Dad away from the farm during the summer months
so they had to make the most of their trip.
In the meantime, Rochelle’s C-section was scheduled for June 22,
2012. Josh, Bryson, Holden and I
arranged to stay with Anisten while Rochelle and Scott were at the
hospital. On the morning of June 22 we
were heading to the zoo to pass time and to distract Anisten from being away
from her mom and dad. I called Mom on
her cell phone to see where they were in their adventure. I was excited when we found out they were
literally a mile ahead of us on I-80. We
arranged a quick meeting with them at a gas station so they could re-fuel and
head north. Everything seemed well and I
remember commenting to Mom how good she looked.
She had on a new shirt and it was very flattering on her. We literally said “hi” and “see you later”
all in about 10 minutes. The group
planned on stopping in Omaha on their way back so they could meet Kardyn.
A couple days later we all met back at the hospital
before Rochelle and Kardyn got discharged.
Despite the fact they were exhausted from their road trip, everyone
seemed fine. We hung out at the hospital
for a short time and then we all went our separate ways so the new family of
four could adjust.
It was hard to believe the summer was already half
over. We were busy with fun in the
activities. Bryson was finishing up his
first year of T-ball and we were busy meeting ourselves coming and going. I love how spontaneous Mom was. She called me on a Friday in July to let me
know she and Dad were kicking around the idea of coming to Olathe to watch
Bryson play T-ball. It was a rare
occasion to get together in the summer so this was a really special moment. It was a very hot, dry summer so they knew
they could not stay away from the farm for any length of time. They left Indianola before 5:00 a.m. to make
the noon game. We met up at the baseball
fields and we literally “soaked in the sun” during the game. It was the hottest day of the year—110
degrees! We enjoyed the game but we were
happy when it was over so we could cool off.
We spent a little time at our house and then they headed back to
Indianola so they could tend to the pivots.
Little did I know, that would be the last “normal” get together we would
have as a family.
Rochelle, Scott and the girls spent a few days at
the Great Wolf Lodge. We enjoyed the
water park and evenings at the Legends.
After their three night stay, they packed up and went to Indianola to
spend time at the farm. I think Rochelle
gets her spontaneity from Mom. Rochelle
and Scott are always very busy traveling to spend time with family. Not to mention, they have a lot more
confidence in their newborn babies traveling than I had in ours. Anisten was only 8 days old when they
traveled to Olathe to spend Christmas with us in 2008. Kardyn was only 3 weeks when they traveled to
the Great Wolf Lodge and to Indianola.
Rochelle and Scott spent several days at the
farm. Unbeknownst to me, Mom was
starting to have problems with redness on her chest again. She had been doing well until early
July. Mom asked Rochelle to look at the
red “spots” that were starting to appear on her chest and back. Dad noticed redness on her back when he was
helping her with her daily exercises at home.
Mom also mentioned that she was waking up with headaches during the
night. She had been on a steady diet of
Tylenol to help with the pain. Mom was
fearful that the cancer in her skin was reemerging so she called her doctor the
following week. As a result of the
recurrence, her oral chemo meds were increased.
I was oblivious to the physical problems Mom was
facing. I did, however, notice that Mom
and I were not talking on the phone near as often as we used to. In the past, we would talk at least one time
a day, if not more. We would also email
and text throughout the day. She was a
lot slower to respond to my emails and sometimes she did not respond at
all. At one point, I found myself being
a little upset with Mom. It seemed as if
she did not want to talk to me. I could
tell she was not fully engaged in our conversations and she would almost cut me
off and end the call. I had a feeling deep down that something was not right
but I attributed it to the change in her meds.
I found myself getting into a bit of a game to help calm my nerves. I would send an email first thing in the
morning from work in hopes of a quick response.
If she would respond fairly quickly, I knew she was having a good
day.
Every time I would pick up the phone, I was hoping
Mom’s chipper voice would be on the other end reporting that the oral meds were
working. It got to the point where I
really did not ask about it because I could tell things were not clearing up
like she hoped. Up until this point, Mom
did a great job of concealing her feelings with regard to her health, however,
I started slowly picking up on the fact something was terribly wrong. I remember one morning in early August (2012)
I called her to see if we could get together.
I really wanted to see her to reassure myself she was doing fine. In the past, Mom would have jumped on the
opportunity and would have done anything to rearrange her schedule. Her response to my request to get together
was, “Honey, I don’t think I can beat it this time.” What?
I felt so numb when I heard this.
I asked her what she said. She
realized what she had said and she tried to correct herself by saying she
simply did not have the energy and she really needed to focus on getting the
redness cleared up. At that point, I
finally asked how it was doing. I could
sense the fear and sadness in her voice.
She told me that the new dose of medication was not touching the
redness. She also reported that her hair
was very thin and her lymphedema was starting to take a toll on her both
physically and mentally. This was a
turning point for me. I knew there was
more to the situation than Mom was letting onto, however, the fact she admitted
she was tired and “not sure she could beat it” made me very scared an uneasy.
I feel as if my life
changed forever on that day. I started
letting my mind go deeper to the thought of losing Mom. I tried to imagine our lives without Mom and
I couldn’t do it. I told myself “this
too shall pass.” Mom was a fighter and
honestly, I was naïve and refused to believe that she would let the cancer get
the best of her. I could not imagine
life without Mom therefore I refused to believe how bad the situation was
getting—DENIAL. Mom showed us how to
find the positives in negative situations and I knew it was my turn to be
supportive and encouraging for Mom. I
could tell Mom was unable to find the positives. She seemed negative and when I would try to
offer support, she really never reassured me things were going to be okay. I started reading between the lines and could
tell Mom was physically and mentally tired.
A few days passed and I could not get the prior
conversation out of my head about Mom admitting she was tired and worn out. I continued my emailing game from work and
there were a few days where I did not hear from her. That evening, we were at home and Holden
slightly dislocated his elbow (also known as “nurse maid elbow”). We went to an Urgent Care clinic and waited
our turn in line. I was feeling a whole
range of emotions. I was concerned
because I hadn’t heard from Mom or Dad for a few days. My motto used to be, “ignorance is bliss” but
this theory was no longer working for me.
I had been looking for an excuse to call Mom to see how she was
doing. I felt bad for Holden but I took
the opportunity to call Mom to let her know what we were up to. Once again she really would not engage me in
conversation and she made yet another comment about her health. I do not remember what she said verbatim but
it was a negative conversation. She
reiterated how tired she was and how much she hated her hair due to how thin it
was getting. She also made a comment
about how it was her turn to be negative and honest about her feelings. She told me she stayed home from work the
last couple of days because she just wasn’t feeling well. I tried my best to cheer her on but I could
tell she wasn’t having it. I selfishly
hoped the conversation would have gone well and I could turn my focus to
Holden’s elbow. Unfortunately, I felt
much worse after the conversation and this confirmed my fear that something was
wrong.
Mom always said I have a nose like a
bloodhound. I could sense when things
were off. I like to refer to it as
persistence! The next day I emailed her
at work and she responded! She told me
that Dad drove her to work that day because she still was not feeling
well. This struck me as odd. I knew Mom was resilient so it was a strange
concept that she would not drive herself to work. I later learned that she was dizzy and was
not able to drive. That evening, I
remember telling Josh about all of the things that had been going on with
Mom. I made the concerning comment to
Josh, “What if the cancer went to her brain?”
I felt as if I were in a dream when those words came out of my mouth. I tried to convince myself that she was having
side effects from the increased dose of her chemo meds. I felt comforted that she was on chemo so in
my mind it was impossible the cancer could be attacking her brain. I remember wiping the tears from my eyes,
saying a prayer and going to sleep.
On August 8, 2012 I received a voicemail from Mom at
work. She sounded so good. I had not heard this side of Mom in what
seemed like months. “Hi sweetheart it’s Mom. I thought today might be one of your late
days so I was just calling to see how your day was going. Love ya and I will talk to you later. Bye
bye.” I saved her voicemail and
continued to check the remainder of my voicemails.
The summer was starting to draw to an end. I gathered the boys for one final trip to the
neighborhood swimming pool. We had such
a fun time. On one hand it was sad to
see the summer come to an end but on the other hand, I was anxious to get Mom
back on track and start living again. I
was very excited when my phone rang and it was Mom on the other end. I was in the process of getting the boys out
of the pool and dressed so we could go home for supper. I could tell they were in the pickup and I
was on speaker phone. Dad did most of
the talking but Mom chimed in too. I
told them we were at the pool and were getting ready to go home. They reported Dad had just picked up Mom from
work and they were going home. I was a
little confused because I thought it was a one-time thing when Dad took Mom to
work but regardless I was so thankful to finally hear from them. We were talking about the weather and how hot
it was. I specifically remember Mom
saying (in a very slow, long, drawn out voice), “Well, it has to rain
sometime.” I agreed and responded by
saying it will rain when God decides it is time. Mom reported that she had a really good
day. In fact, she said it was one of her
better days in a very long time. I felt
pretty good about the call but I was a little bothered by Mom’s slow
speech. We talked a few more minutes and
we ended the call by confirming we would see each other that weekend (August
21, 2012) for Kardyn’s baptism.
Rather than going to Gretna on Friday, they decided
to wait until Saturday morning to leave.
Dad wanted to turn the pivots off before they left home. I spoke with Rochelle that evening and she
told me Mom and Dad were going to stay at a hotel rather than their house. This was hard for me to understand. Mom and Dad always stayed at our houses, not a hotel.
That Saturday, we were expecting Mom and Dad to
arrive in Gretna at a decent time. We
knew it was going to be a quick weekend so we wanted to get in as much visiting
as possible. The morning turned into
early afternoon and we had not heard from them.
Rochelle called and they were just outside of Lincoln. They said they stopped in Arapahoe and they
were there longer than they expected.
When they finally arrived, Mom seemed a little out of sorts. She told us that she had an incident that
morning when she went to get out of the truck.
She said her legs felt like they “stopped working” and she fell into
Doug. This concerned me greatly but once
again I attributed it to the increase in her oral chemo. I vaguely remember Rochelle (an ortho/neuro
nurse) expressing concern. She sees this
type of symptoms on the floor quite frequently so clearly Mom’s symptoms caused
great concern. Mom looked tired and she
just did not seem like herself. The rest
of the day went on as “normal” as it could but there was definitely a grey
cloud looming over our heads.
The next morning we attended church and the baptism
followed. Mom and Dad stayed at the
hotel that night so we met up with them at church. I felt the tears building up in my eyes when
Mom and Dad walked into church. Mom
seemed to be clinging onto Dad as they walked in and found a seat. I prayed so hard that Mom would bounce out of
whatever was going on but I couldn’t help but notice the downward spiral she
was in. I had a really hard time when it
was time to start packing up. All of the
signs were pointing in the direction that something was very wrong however I
refused to believe there was something wrong—DENIAL. I tried to think positive but it is also hard
to ignore your gut instincts. I remember
holding back the tears most of the way home.
I told Josh that I had a bad feeling something was wrong. I couldn’t grasp the magnitude of the
situation but I knew it was not normal for her legs to quit working. Mom had a difficult time going up and down
the stairs at Ro and Scott’s house. I
followed her up and down the stairs both times and I couldn’t help but notice
how out of breath she was. She also
mentioned her appetite was not very good.
She mentioned she felt very nauseous after attempting to eat an English
muffin at the hotel on Sunday morning of the baptism.
I
am deeply saddened to post the pictures below (and I am sure Mom would not be
happy with me but it is part of our story).
It is clear from the pictures she did not feel well--she looked very
tired and worn out. It was hard to see
how quickly Mom went down hill from when we saw her that hot day in July at the
t-ball game to a month later at Kardyn’s baptism. Bryson took the close up picture of Mom and
Dad. I clearly remember him taking the
picture. I tried to hold back the tears
as he was taking it because I was thinking "I want to get as many pictures
of Mom and Dad as we can because we may not be presented with many more
opportunities." These thoughts were
starting to come more frequently and I was starting to enter into the territory
of “not if but when” and accepting that I just might have to starting imagining
life without Mom. It seemed impossible
yet a reality.
I got home that night and cried in the shower. I did not want the boys to see me upset so I
took an extra-long shower so I could cry as long as I needed to. The thought of Mom being sick really bothered
me and it consumed a lot of my day. I
found myself not being very focused both at work and at home. I wanted things to be normal and I wanted to
hear from Mom that she bounced back and was doing well. Unfortunately, I never received the
reassurance from Mom that she was doing fine.
I continued to follow up with her daily but some days my emails and
calls were returned yet more times than not, I did not hear back from Mom.
I knew that whatever was going on was in God’s hands
and we had to trust Him. I didn’t like
the way the things were going and I wanted to change the story but I realized it
is not my story to write. I trusted God
to see us through this situation even though it was far from the ideal earthly
situation. I found myself internally
saying, “it is what it is.” I was sickened
by the thought of Mom being ill again but I also knew that I could not fix the
situation nor could I control what was going to happen. It is hard to let go but at the same time it
is hard to fixate on things that cannot be changed. I knew we had to stick together and be strong
for Mom. It was time for her to retire her cheer leading outfit and pom-poms and we needed to step up and encourage her
through whatever challenges she was facing and had yet to face. Never once during this time was I angry at
God. I found myself leaning on Him even
more to help guide us through the storm. I accepted God's will and tried to find peace with the situation.
Below are the lyrics and a link to “Help Me Find It”
by Sidewalk Prophets
It all used to seem so clear
I'm finding I can't do this on my own
I don't know where to go from here
As long as I know that You are near
I'm done fighting
I'm finally letting go
I will trust in You
You've never failed before
I will trust in You
(Chorus )
If there's a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can You help me find it
Can You help me find it
I'm giving You fear and You give faith
I giving You doubt
You give me grace
For every step I've never been alone
Even when it hurts, You'll have Your way
Even in the valley I will say
With every breath
You've never let me go
I will wait for You
You've never failed before
I will wait for You
Chorus
I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again)
Have Your way my King (I give my all to You)
I lift my eyes again (Was blind but now I see)
‘Cause You are all I need
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsjZ94K7UQs
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