On December 18, 2012
Rochelle went to her appointment for her baseline mammogram. This was part of
Rochelle’s promise to Mom that she would be proactive with her health. Her OB/GYN wanted her to wait six months
post-partum before she had her baseline due to all of the changes that take
place during pregnancy. Anisten had just
turned four years old two days prior. I
was excited to share our exciting news of being pregnant but I wanted Rochelle
to get through her mammogram so when she got a clean bill of health we could
celebrate our exciting news together!
Josh and I spent
Christmas day at our house with Dad, Tess, and the Smith’s. We had a wonderful Christmas together but it
was again another first without Mom. She
loved Christmas and it just seemed strange not to have her pouring eggnog and
singing/whistling to Christmas music.
When we were kids, she emphasized the importance of taking time opening
presents. We loved savoring the magical moments of Christmas morning. I could hear her saying, “one at time.” There were several years where we took hours
to open presents. We would take many breaks
in between gifts so we could refill our glasses with eggnog and so we could get
another piece of German stallen bread from Sehnert’s Bakery. I could feel Mom’s presence but it was hard
not having her physically there with us.
In years past, she thoroughly enjoyed watching the grandchildren open
their gifts on Christmas morning.
Rochelle had to work
Christmas 2012 so we planned on celebrating at our house in Olathe over New
Year’s weekend. We also thought it would
be a nice change of pace to host Christmas at our house. We had traveled a lot during the prior weeks
with Mom’s sickness and funeral. We were
trying to get the boys back into their normal routine after weeks of back and
forth. Rochelle and Scott were planning
on driving to our house late on Thursday, December 27, 2012 to celebrate the
holiday weekend with us. I got up that
morning and went to work expecting to come home to a house full.
I was talking to my
boss at work on Friday, December 28 and I told him that my family was coming to
town to celebrate Christmas. Given the
caring man that he is, he told me to take the rest of the day off so I could
enjoy some quality family time. I was
hesitant to take him up on his offer because he had been so accommodating and
understanding during Mom’s illness that I felt I should stay and try to get
caught up. He insisted I leave early so
I did just that.
I called Dad on my way
home to let him know Mike gave me the day off and to ask if I needed to pick up
anything at the store. He was excited I
was coming home early and thought we had everything we needed at the house for
the weekend. When I pulled up to our
house, I noticed Rochelle and Scott’s truck was not parked outside. I was a little confused but I assumed Scott
went to the store so I didn’t think much more about it. When I walked through the door, Dad was
sitting on the couch holding Kardyn.
Anisten, Bryson and Holden were in the basement playing. I asked Dad where Rochelle and Scott were and
Dad hesitated. He said, “She got a call
back this morning.” Dad was referring to
Rochelle’s mammogram she had 10 days prior.
I was a little taken back but at the same time I remembered the
radiology tech telling me more times than not, women get called back when they
have their baseline mammograms because there are no prior films to compare it
to. I shared this information with Dad
to try to help calm his nerves.
Dad broke down and he
said, “I cannot take another illness.”
We tried so hard to be positive but given Mom’s history with medical
issues our brains naturally went down the path to the “C” word. I felt a little uneasy that she got a
callback but I also knew in my heart it was going to be okay.
Dad told me Rochelle
had gotten a call from the hospital the day before but she was working so she
missed the call. On Friday morning while
she was getting ready at our house she checked her voicemail and the nurse said
she needed to call and make an appointment for a repeat mammogram. Rochelle immediately called and they said
they had an opening that afternoon at 2:30 or her other option was January 7,
2013. She was not excited about having
to go back but at the same time she wanted to take the Friday afternoon
appointment so she could have peace of mind.
The waiting game was very unsettling so she and Scott decided to head
back to Omaha, get the repeat mammogram and drive back to our house so we could
celebrate as planned. They fully
expected to get good results so they decided to leave Anisten and Kardyn with
Dad and their plan was to return to our house that evening following the
appointment.
Once again we found
ourselves waiting for the phone to ring.
We desperately wanted Rochelle to call to let us know she checked out
fine and they were on their way back. It
seemed like an eternity but Rochelle finally called but she did not deliver the
news we were hoping to hear. She let us
know that she had a repeat exam and the area of concern was located under her
left axilla (arm pit). She also reported
that she had been referred to an oncologist.
It was also recommended she have a biopsy to rule out cancer. We tried so hard to be hopeful but Dad and I
both started crying. How could this
be? Mom had just passed away 10 weeks
prior and now we were facing the potential of Rochelle having cancer? It didn’t make sense. In my mind “we had done our time.” According
to my plans, life was supposed to
getting easier, not harder. We were
still grieving the loss of Mom but now another hurdle was thrown in our
paths. The first thing I wanted to do was
pick up the phone and call Mom so she could reassure us that things were going
to be fine. Obviously that was not an
option so I knew I had to kick into “Nancy mode” and be as positive as I could
be for my family.
I called Josh at work
to let him know what was going on. We
decided to pack up and travel to Gretna to be with Rochelle and Scott. At a minimum, they wanted their girls home
with them but they also wanted us to be there to help distract them. Kardyn, Dad and I rode together and Josh,
Bryson, Holden and Anisten followed us.
All of the feelings and memories with Mom’s illness came rushing
back—from the dreaded call to the frantic drive back to Gretna. I was not mad at God but I definitely was
questioning his plan and I was questioning why yet another potentially tragic event
was looming over us. They say God
doesn’t give us more than we can handle so Dad and I agreed that God must have a
lot of confidence in our family! Our
trip to Gretna seemed like one of the longest ones. Dad and I had a lot of time to talk but
sometimes there weren’t words to express how we were feeling. At one point, Dad said, “We are screwed. The fact she has to have a biopsy means they
think she has cancer.” I calmly reminded
him that the doctors know what they are doing and hopefully the biopsy will
come back benign. We also discussed the
idea that if it were cancer, hopefully it was in its early stages. We were also very thankful that Rochelle
followed through with her promise to Mom to be proactive. She felt perfectly healthy so we were hopeful
that this was just a blip on the radar and we could move on.
We finally arrived in
Gretna. Once again, I had very similar
feelings as we pulled into the driveway.
I dreaded going inside because I could not stand the thought of seeing
my sister upset and scared. We were
still working through the grieving process of losing Mom and the thought of
having to face another cancer battle was frightening to say the least. Scott greeted us outside in the frigid
temperatures and I could tell he had been crying. I immediately asked Scott how Rochelle was
doing and he shrugged his shoulders and said she was doing as good as she could
given the circumstances. Scott also
told us that he reassured Rochelle that they would get though whatever it was,
no matter what it was. He also
reiterated that we had our guardian angel looking out for us so we knew we were
going to be okay.
We carried our bags in
and as soon as I stepped into the house, I hugged Rochelle. She told me how scared she was but she was so
thankful we made the trip to be with them. We got everything carried in and we sat in the
living room so we could discuss her appointment from that afternoon and what to
expect the following week with the oncologist.
Rochelle and Scott
shared the news with their neighbors.
They came over for a while and it served as a good distraction. They invited us to their New Year’s party the
following evening to ring in 2013! We
decided to join them. At that point, my
family still did not know I was pregnant and I was not ready to share the
news. I started having morning sickness
so I was trying to figure out how to hide the pregnancy and symptoms from
them. The one aversion I had early on
was mayonnaise and onions. In the past,
my default party dip was a corn dip containing sour cream, corn, cheese, Rotel,
green chilies, green mayonnaise and
onions. We asked what we could bring
to the party and they suggested a dip of some sort. Naturally, Scott suggested we bring the corn
dip. My stomach literally turned and my
mouth was watering as if I was going to throw up. He was reviewing the list of ingredients with
me and he asked me if I would make it. I
kept trying to avoid the issue but he wouldn’t let it go. I whispered to Josh that he is going to have
to make it otherwise I was going to throw up.
I am sure Scott was wondering why I wasn’t jumping at the opportunity to
make my famous dip. I found ways to get
as far away from the kitchen as possible so I didn’t have to deal with the gut
churning corn dip.
The following evening
we joined the neighbors for their party.
Rochelle said she wanted to go but she was not sure how long she wanted
to stay. We told her we would stay as
long as she wanted. Before we walked
next door, Rochelle started crying and she hugged Dad. She said how scared she was. We all shed some tears but reminded ourselves
Mom was looking out for us and we knew we would face whatever was lying in
front of us head on. We wiped the tears from our eyes and walked over to the
neighbor’s house. When we arrived there
was so much food, including our corn dip.
I avoided the corn dip and alcohol like the plague. I was offered a beer but declined. Later on I was offered a beer again so I took
a fake sip and that was it. Rochelle
talked about her situation a little bit but we tried our best to enjoy the
evening without being reminded of the upcoming appointment.
Rochelle’s biopsy was
scheduled for Monday, December 31st.
She and Scott went to the appointment and the rest of us stayed at the
house with the kids. We felt a sense of
calmness as she was at the appointment.
We asked them to call us when the appointment was over so we could find
out what the doctor thought. We were so
happy when they called and reported things went well. When they arrived at the house, she had a
folder with information in it. I
couldn’t help but notice the folder had the words “Cancer Center” on the
front. I tried to mentally bypass this
and inquire about the appointment. She
said the doctor pointed out the area of concern on the ultrasound screen. She could see the questionable lymph node was
black and enlarged and the other lymph nodes were white. The doctor said he wasn’t sure what it was
but he did say he hadn’t seen anything like this in 20 years. We had mixed feelings about his
comments. On one hand, we felt that if
it was cancer it would be obvious because he likely sees cancer every day. The fact he hadn’t seen this before made us
think it was just a freak thing and all would be well. She anticipated getting the results of the
biopsy later that week. Josh and our
family packed up and drove back to Olathe the following day. We both had to work on Wednesday, January 2,
2013.
On Friday, January 4,
2013 my cell phone rang and caller ID indicated “Ro Cell.” I was anxious to answer the call because I
knew that our lives could once again change depending on what message she was
going to deliver. When I answered the
call she was ecstatic! She reported that
the results of the biopsy were benign!
This was music to my ears! “Thank
you God” was my response. I was so
relieved. It felt like a ton of bricks
had been lifted from my shoulders. We
felt like the experience happened for a reason but we were so thankful the
scare was behind us. Bring on 2013! She reported that her doctor wanted her to
come back in three months for a follow up ultrasound of her axilla. The doctor said he expected the questionable
lymph node to be gone. Praise the
Lord!
At that point, I
couldn’t hold back my excitement about being pregnant! I told Rochelle that since she had good news,
I would like to share my news with her!
I told her I was pregnant and there was a slight pause. “You are?
Congratulations!” She then
started pointing out how things form the prior weekend were starting to make
sense. She noticed I did not want
anything to do with the corn dip and she also noticed I was not interested in a
new diet plan she was proposing. She and
Scott had just bought into a company and they were excited to get their health
back on track. She knew I wanted to lose
weight so the fact that I declined to purchase the products was confusing for
her. Once I told her the news she said,
“It all makes sense now!”
After I talked to
Rochelle, I called Dad. The sound of
relief in his voice was bleeding through the phone. He was so thankful and pointed out how
blessed we were that Rochelle’s biopsy was benign. We talked about it for a few minutes and
reiterated how blessed we really were. I
then said, “Okay. Now it’s my turn. I am going to tell you something very
exciting.” He paused and then asked what
it was. I told him “this is the last
time you are going to be told you are going to be a Papa!” It took a few seconds for him to comprehend
what I was saying and then of course he was very excited! I told him I was barely pregnant and my due
date was August 31st. Josh
and I decided baby number three would complete our family. Rochelle had a tubal ligation following the
birth of Kardyn in June 2012 so obviously their family of four was
complete. The rest of the weekend went
very well. We felt like the worst was
behind us and we could continue to work through the grieving process of losing
Mom but we could also celebrate Rochelle’s news and the new life that was
developing!
Life continued on in
the following months. We were continuing
to learn to live life without Mom physically in our lives. Josh and I were excited because we were going
to find out whether baby number three was a boy or girl at the end of
March. We had plans to go to Des Moines
to celebrate Josh’s grandfather’s birthday the weekend of March 17, 2013. As I got out of bed that morning, I felt a
gush of blood. I went to the restroom
and was terrified. It appeared as though
I was having a miscarriage. I was
approximately 16 weeks pregnant and I could not stand the thought of another
loss in my life. At that point I had not
felt the baby move yet so it was unclear to me whether the baby was still
alive. I called the after-hours number
and was told to either wait until Monday or go to the Emergency Room. The nurse reminded me on the phone that
“there is nothing we can do for a miscarriage.”
I understood but I told her that I do not do well with the unknowns so
if that was what was going on, I needed to know.
Our friend Jen and her
husband Ken met us at the hospital and they took the boys out for
breakfast. Josh and I nervously entered
the emergency room and were scared to hear what the doctor had to say. We sat in triage for a short time and then we
eventually made our way back to the exam room.
The doctor walked in and he said, “Let’s get right to it.” He wanted to do an ultrasound to determine
whether or not the baby was still alive.
As soon as he put the probe on my stomach, he said, “It’s a girl!” At that point, I was emotionally numb. I did not care if it was a boy or a
girl. I was so thankful the baby was
alive. The little bean was moving all
over the place and the heartbeat was normal for that point in the
pregnancy. He instructed me to follow up
with my obstetrician the following week. I did just that and all was well at my
follow up appointment.
Our official ultrasound
was scheduled for March 29, 2013. We planned
a gender reveal party for Saturday, March 30th for our family. Dad watched the boys while Josh and I went to
the appointment. As we entered the
ultrasound room, the tech asked us whether or not we wanted to find out the gender. I said, “We are 99.9% sure it I a girl so
please just confirm it.” I explained the
story to her from two weeks prior. As
soon as she put the probe on my stomach, I swore I saw a little turtle head on
the top left of the screen. It looked
all too familiar like during the two prior ultrasounds with Bryson and
Holden. Josh was sitting to my left and
he snickered because he apparently saw the same thing. I turned my head to the
right and I could feel the tears starting to build up. I turned my head towards the tech and she
said, “It definitely is not a girl.”
I realized that just two weeks prior we were faced with the potential reality
of losing our baby and the fact the baby was healthy was all that
mattered! After everything we had been
through, a healthy baby boy was a true blessing and miracle! We were very excited. I said, “Well, Laikyn Marie is now Layton
Gabriel.” Josh and I later discussed
that God’s plans are perfect. The fact I
have the BRCA2 gene, we were meant to have boys. While they can still be carriers, their
chances of getting cancer is much less than girls.
Our gender reveal party
was the next day. My sister and her family arrived that afternoon before the
party. She said, “I can totally tell it
is a girl. If it was a boy, your eyes
would be red from crying!” I chuckled
inside and could not wait to see the look on her face when the blue balloons
came out of the box. Scott took a video
of the release of the balloons and when blue balloons came out of the box,
there was a brief moment of silence then everybody started clapping! We were thrilled to add another boy to our
dynamic duo!
The “wait and watch”
approach was the method the doctors took because the results of the biopsy were
benign. Their hopes were the
questionable lymph node would be gone.
When she got in the ultrasound room, Rochelle quickly picked up on the
fact something was wrong. The tech could
not say anything as she was doing the ultrasound. She left the room and returned with a doctor. The doctor looked at the right side in order
to compare it to the left. The doctor
pointed out that unfortunately, the questionable lymph node was larger AND
there were more enlarged lymph nodes compared to the previous exam in
December. Once again the doctor
recommended a biopsy of the lymph nodes to rule out cancer.
During the appointment,
the doctor gave a list of potential diagnoses.
They of course go through the whole list. The list ranged from cat scratch disease, to
breast cancer to lymphoma. The doctor
did not think that it was breast cancer given the breast tissue did not have
any abnormalities on the ultrasound but he did emphasize the necessity of a
biopsy. This was not the news we were
expecting. She scheduled her biopsy and
was told the results would be given to her in a week or so.
As I was sitting in the
dental chair at my appointment on April 30, 2012, my phone rang. I knew Rochelle had an appointment that day
to receive the results of her biopsy.
Time literally stood still before I accepted the call. I had been talking to the dental hygienist
about the rough couple of years we had with Mom’s health and passing and
Rochelle’s scare with the biopsies. When
the phone rang, the hygienist removed the tools from my mouth so I could answer
the phone. Rochelle asked what I was
doing and I told her I was at the dentist.
She reported she had been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. “What?
What is that?” It was obvious she
had been crying but she was calm—the same level of calmness when she called to
report that the cancer spread to Mom’s brain.
I felt as if I was
dreaming. This was all too similar to
what we had previously experienced. I
could hear Mom’s voice through Rochelle.
She expressed it was not the news she was expecting but she had talked
to her doctor and they reassured her that this was a “good” cancer to
have. Talk about the oxymoron of all
oxymorons! In my mind, “good” and
“cancer” do not belong in the same sentence, especially when it has anything to
do with my sister! I lost it. I started crying. The hygienist went and got the dentist and he
came to the exam room. He was very
sympathetic and confirmed that Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is a “good” cancer. It is very curable and has a very low
recurrence rate. I felt better but I was
extremely angry. I was not mad at God
but I was mad at the world!
I got home after my
appointment and I talked to our nanny.
Jen is such a caring woman and she knew I was upset. She offered to stay and talk as long as I
needed. We sat on our patio and the boys
played outside. It was so nice to have a
friend to talk about this unwelcomed news.
I got the boys ready
for bed later that evening and Josh got home around 9:00 p.m. I didn’t say much at first because I couldn’t
bring myself to deliver the news. As he
was sorting through the mail I said, “Ro has cancer.” He looked at me in disbelief. We talked about it for a short time and I
went to bed. I needed to sleep on it and
wrap my mind around what was happening.
I was trying so hard to be positive about the situation but there is no
getting around it. I was mad and
depressed. I wasn’t sure if I had it in
me to be positive. I knew I would
eventually come around but I had enough!
The following morning I
sent an email to my good friend Gloria.
Gloria has experienced a lot of loss and sadness in her life and she and
I really connect. We worked together at
the law firm for a short time but her impact on my life has been
monumental. God allowed our paths to
cross because he knew we would experience similar experiences and we would need
each other to lean on.
Below is the email I
sent to Gloria the following morning:
On May 1, 2013, at
7:33 AM, "Kirby Smith" <KSmith@ma2zlaw.com> wrote:
Good morning! I hope this finds you doing
well. Once again I am the bearer of bad news. I am sure people are
sick of hearing about the trials of our family.
My sister was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma
yesterday. The results were inconclusive last week so they sent the
sample to the University of Nebraska Medical Center for further testing.
She had an appointment yesterday and received the news. The good thing is
the doctor reassured her that this is the best kind of cancer to have and the
survival rate is extremely high. She has to have tests done on Friday and
she meets with her oncologist on Monday to figure out the treatment plan.
I am so incredibly sick of the chaos and stress
life has thrown our way the past couple of years. I am trying so hard to
be positive but I truly am at a very low point. No matter how hard I pray
and no matter how positive I am, it seems to always go the other way. I
am really struggling with the “whys.” Sorry to be so negative but I know
you understand after being through so many trials throughout your life. I
never really hit that low spot with my mom’s illness but I am there now.
Just when life starts feeling normal, something like this happens. I
don’t know why it can’t come in small doses rather than life changing
events.
I would love to get together with you sometime to
talk. You always make sense of things for me and I appreciate your
insight. I feel like I have taken on the role of cheerleader since mom’s
illness however, this cheerleader needs a “pick me up.” I will eventually
get back on track but right now I am so angry.”
Gloria responded right
away and we arranged to get together that evening. By the end of the day, I was mentally wiped
out so I called her and asked if I could take a rain check on our get together. She understood and we arranged another meeting
the following week.
Rochelle
met with her oncologist Dr. Tarantolo the following Monday. A PET scan and other tests were scheduled so
the cancer could be staged and a treatment plan developed. Mom’s persistence
with preventative care helped the doctors catch the cancer early and she was
staged at 1A. Praise the Lord! Once again, life is a matter of
perspective. It seemed strange to be
celebrating cancer but what we were really celebrating was the fact the cancer
was caught early and she was given a 95% survival rate.
At that moment, I had
an “aha” moment. Mom’s death was
purposeful. It was sad she was gone but
maybe that is why she passed away when she did.
We promised Mom we would be proactive and we did just that. We both got genetically tested and we both
got our baseline mammograms. Mom saved
our lives! Mom’s life was cut short but
this was all part of God’s plan! During
Dad’s surgery in March 2012 Mom made it clear she would gladly shoulder any
illness for her family and she did just that.
Mom gave us life and through her death, we were given the knowledge and
chance to live! Thank you God for
allowing us to have such a wonderful Mom and thank you for allowing us to see
your master plan come into play.
I debated whether I
should tell Rochelle about my BRCA2 status to help her make sense of the
situation so she could have her “aha” moment.
She asked me to attend her first chemo therapy appointment in May
2013. We decided to get a coffee before
we headed to the transfusion center. As
Rochelle was turning to grab our coffee from the drive through window, I said,
“I am BRCA2 positive.” She did not
respond so I did not think she heard me.
She put the coffee in the cup holders and she just looked at me.
I explained to her that
I was totally fine with it and I further let her know I had a plan. I told her about my appointments at the
Breast Cancer Prevention Center to her that I had a plan to have surgery in the
near future. I also explained that is
why we decided to have another baby so quickly.
It took her some time to comprehend it.
She was sadden by the news. She
felt as if yet another wrench had been thrown at us and she was sad I had been
holding the information in for months. I
made her promise she would not tell Dad because I did not think he could handle
another problem. He was still grieving
Mom and was scared to death to have Rochelle diagnosed with cancer.
Below are the lyrics and a link to the song
“He Said” by Group 1 Crew.
So your life feels like it don't make
sense
And you think to yourself, "I'm a good person"
So why do these things keep happening?
Why you gotta deal with them?
You may be knocked down now
But don't forget what He said, He said:
"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
And No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o"
Don't you forget what He said
Who you are ain't what you're going through
So don't let it get the best of you
'Cause God knows everything you need,
So you ain't gotta worry
You may be knocked down now
But just believe what He said, He said:
"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
And No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o"
Don't you forget what He said
Don't fear when you go through the fire
Hang on when it's down to the wire
Stand tall and remember what He said:
"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break..."
And you think to yourself, "I'm a good person"
So why do these things keep happening?
Why you gotta deal with them?
You may be knocked down now
But don't forget what He said, He said:
"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
And No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o"
Don't you forget what He said
Who you are ain't what you're going through
So don't let it get the best of you
'Cause God knows everything you need,
So you ain't gotta worry
You may be knocked down now
But just believe what He said, He said:
"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
And No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o"
Don't you forget what He said
Don't fear when you go through the fire
Hang on when it's down to the wire
Stand tall and remember what He said:
"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break..."
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