I really do not remember much about Monday, October
15, 2012 other than it was the day of the private family viewing. Rochelle and I decided to go shopping because
we did not properly pack. Dad was a
trooper and he went shopping with us! As
you recall, I only packed one nice outfit when I left Kansas City on the prior
Wednesday. I really wasn’t thinking very
clear and the only thing I had in mind was getting to Gretna to be with Mom and
my family. I did not think to pack an
outfit for the viewing or the rosary. We
went to JC Penny’s and found additional outfits for the upcoming events.
I decided to buy a new outfit to wear to the
funeral. I did not like the one I
quickly chose from home and I felt I needed to honor Mom by wearing something
more presentable. I found some black patterned
pants with a coordinating top and a black jacket. The print on the blouse was red, pink, black
and white. I wanted something to make
the outfit pop so I decided to look for a flower to pin to my black jacket. The decision was easy because there was only one
flower to choose from—literally. There
was a large red rose and it coordinated perfect! I got the chills and couldn’t wait to tell
Dad about my finding. The flower was
meant to be!
Mom and Dad really treasured red roses as the rose
played a significant role in their lives when Mom was battling cancer the first
time. When Mom was first diagnosed in
1993, a parishioner sent Mom a folder and it was the St. Therese Novena. Prior to receiving the generous gift, Mom and
Dad did not know anything about the novena.
Amongst other prayers, they would say the novena on their way to Omaha
for Mom’s treatment.
Below is a little background on St. Therese and the
novena.
Father Putigan, a Jesuit, began the Novena to Saint Therese of the Child Jesus on December 3, 1925, asking the glorious Saint for one great favor. For nine days he recited the "Glory be to the Father" twenty-four times thanking the Holy Trinity for the favors and Graces showered on Saint Therese during the twenty-four years of her life on earth. The priest asked Saint Therese, that as a sign that his novena was heard he would receive from someone a freshly plucked rose. On the third day of the novena, an unknown person sought out Father Putigan and presented him with a beautiful rose.
Father Putigan began the second novena on December 24 of the same year, and as a sign, asked for a white rose. On the fourth day of this novena one of the Sister-nurses brought him a white rose saying:
"Saint Therese sent you this."
Amazed, the priest asked: "Where did you get this?"
"I was in the chapel," said the Sister, "and as I was leaving I passed the altar above which hangs the beautiful picture of Saint Therese. This rose fell at my feet. I wanted to put it back into the bouquet, but a thought came to me that I should bring it to you."
Father Putigan received the favors he had petitioned of the Little Flower of Jesus, and promised to spread the novena to increase devotion to, and bring her more honor.
“…St. Therese, the Little Flower, please pick me a rose
from the heavenly garden and send it to me with a message of love. Ask God to
grant me the favor I thee implore and tell him I will love him each day more
and more.”
The above prayer is said along with 5 Our Father’s, 5 Hail Mary’s, and 5 Glory Be’s
each day. It is believed that those who
say the novena will be showered with roses.
Following one of Mom’s
treatments in 1994 Mom and Dad stopped at St. Mary’s Cathedral in Lincoln,
Nebraska. Mom and Dad prayed and they
lit a candle before they left. When they
were done lighting a candle, they turned around to leave and there were roses
in the pew behind them. It was very
reassuring to Mom and Dad and they felt very blessed.
After we finished up
shopping we went to Mac’s Drive In for lunch.
We stopped by the funeral home one final time before heading back to
Indianola to get ready for the viewing.
We returned to the house and relaxed for a short time. Several of our generous neighbors had stopped
in during the day and once again Scott and Josh welcomed them and visited with
them as we were finalizing plans.
I was nervous and
excited to see Mom for the first time since she passed away. It had been two days since she passed away
and I could not wait to see her. I knew
it was just her body but I still felt as if I was in a dream/nightmare. I cannot articulate how I was feeling but the
best way I can describe it is I knew she was gone but I also had a strange
sense of false hope that we were going to actually get to talk to her. I know that sounds crazy but I think we were
all still numb and exhausted and maybe even in denial.
We gathered in the
meeting room to talk with the funeral director.
He told us everything was in place and we were welcome to go see Mom
whenever we felt ready. He also pointed
out that there were so many flowers and plants that had been delivered that
they were running out of room in the viewing area. Some of the arrangements were placed outside
of the viewing area to make room for our family and friends.
We headed back to the
viewing room and stood by Mom’s casket.
Mom looked amazing! She was
beautiful as ever. She looked so
healthy, so vibrant and so peaceful. It
was really hard to comprehend that she was so sick just days prior. Mom looked like her healthy self and it was
really hard to accept that she was really gone.
It looked as if she was napping.
Our Grandma Nettie was
notorious for taking pictures of bodies at funerals. I remember a couple of occasions when I would
come across a random picture of a body as I was flipping through some of
Grandma’s pictures. It made me
uncomfortable and I could not figure out why she would do that. I vaguely remember a conversation between Mom
and Grandma Nettie years ago. Mom
politely asked Grandma why she took those types of pictures and Grandma said
she always wanted to remember how people looked.
When Rochelle and I
were looking at Mom, I turned to Rochelle and said, “Would it be weird if I
pulled a Grandma Nettie?” Rochelle knew
exactly what I was talking about and together we agreed we should not take a
picture. We laughed a little and it
certainly lightened the mood. I was so
taken back on how healthy Mom looked that I wanted a picture to remind me of
how she once was before her illness took over.
I was still having nightmares of the last couple days of Mom’s life and
I thought having a picture would help counteract the nightmares. I took a mental photograph and I will forever
remember how peaceful and healthy Mom looked.
Our family and friends
gathered in the viewing room and we watched Mom’s video for the first
time. There was not a dry eye in the
room. The video came together so nice
and it was a wonderful contribution to Mom’s life and legacy. The pictures dated from 1956-2012. There are several photographs of Mom and her
brothers and family when she was little.
There are also several photographs of Mom and Dad during their early
days as a couple as well as their wedding and honeymoon. The pictures continue from the birth of
Rochelle and I through the last picture taken of Mom and Dad with the four
grandkids at the hospital on June 23, 2012 when Kardyn was 1 day old. The final picture was of a rainbow with the
words “Nancy’s Rainbow.” A wonderful
family friend took a photograph of a rainbow after they learned of Mom’s
diagnosis in March 2012. They took the
photograph as they were leaving Mom and Dad’s house. The video was emotional to watch but it
couldn’t have turned out any better!
Tuesday, October 16,
2012 was visitation for the public as well as the rosary that evening. We stopped at the funeral home to see Mom
again and to visit with others who stopped by to pay their final respects. We stayed for a couple of hours. We wanted to physically see her body as much
as possible because we knew the day of the funeral we would only have very
little time to see her. During the
public viewing, many people told us they were shocked when they learned of
Mom’s passing. A lot of people did not
even know Mom was sick.
That evening the rosary
took place at St. Catherine’s in Indianola.
It was hard pulling up to the church and seeing the hearse in the
parking lot. I hated the thought of not
having Mom with us and the fact we were going to the rosary was in honor of
Mom. We had a flower ceremony before the
rosary. All of the beautiful
arrangements were brought from the funeral home to the church and the funeral
director read the cards and words of comfort.
It was a beautiful sight when we walked into the church for the flower
ceremony. Our family was showered with
several plants and flower arrangements.
Despite the beautiful
flowers and plants, it was difficult to walk into the church. From the back of the church all I could focus
on was the casket near the altar. I kept
wanting to change the ending of our story but I knew this was God’s plan and I
was at peace with it. The last time I
was standing at the end of the aisle of the church with Mom up front was when
Dad was getting ready to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. It was hard to believe Mom was once again
waiting for us at the front of the church but this time it was for her
funeral. How could this be?
The rosary was
beautiful. Several people supported us
by attending and saying the rosary for Mom.
People traveled both near and far to be there for our family. After the rosary, we played Mom’s video on
the projector for others to view. It was
such a nice tribute to Mom and the life she lived to the fullest. After the video was over, people offered
their condolences to our family. It was
so comforting having the support we had.
God gave us strength and our family and friends provided us with
comfort, support and shoulders to cry on.
Following the rosary, several peopled joined us at home and we continued
to reminisce about Mom and the life she lived.
Mom would have loved having all of the people at our house. She would always say, “The more the
merrier.” Our house was busting at the
seams with all of the love and fellowship from our family and friends!
Wednesday, October 17th
was the day of Mom’s funeral. It was the
day we had been planning since Saturday, October 13th. We wanted every last detail to be perfect
because that is how Mom would have wanted it.
She always gave projects 110% and she saw them through right up to the
last minor detail. The mood around our
house that morning was better than I expected it to be. Bryson shared a dream with us he had the
night before. He said we were all
sitting in the living room at Nana and Papa’s house when all of a sudden, “Nana
walked upstairs from the basement, stopped and said goodbye and she walked out
of the front door.” I will forever
cherish that moment. Maybe it was a
dream or maybe Nana really did come to Bryson through his dreams. Regardless, it was real to him and I hope it
is something he always remembers.
We all got up and got ready
and left the house only a few minutes later than we planned on. We wanted to get to the church early so we
could see Mom one final time. Our family
and friends were to gather at the church hall prior to the funeral. We arrived at the church and Mom’s casket was
in the back of the church. I remember
looking in and thinking, “This is the last time I will physically see Mom’s
body on this earth.” I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I wanted time to stand still so I did not
have to walk away from her one final time.
I wanted to imprint her image in my mind so I would never forget. I knew when I turned to walk away, all we
would have left would be photographs to remember her. I reached out, touched her hand and said, “See
you later.”
We walked over to the
church hall and waited for 10:00. We had
time to visit with family and friends. I
remember talking to a very good friend, Deb and her daughter Paige. I told them how much I was dreading leaving
Dad on Sunday. I was trying to focus on
Mom’s funeral but it was hard to not look beyond it. I knew Mom was in heaven and the funeral was
a celebration of her life. I was
terribly saddened by the thought of leaving Dad. We had spent the 42 days with
Mom and Dad in Gretna and the last 4 days were filled with constant family and
friends. Deb reassured us that she and
her husband Doug would be there for Dad and they would not let him be
alone. They even offered to let Dad stay
with them but Dad declined only because he knew at some point, he was going to
have to learn to live without Mom. The
offer was very much appreciated and Rochelle and I knew our friends would stand
by their word and take great care of Dad.
The funeral director
came over to the hall to let us know it was time for the funeral to start. We lined up and walked towards the
church. We knew Mom was loved but as
soon as we entered the church, it became quite obvious how many lives Mom had
touched in her lifetime. St. Catherine’s
is a large church and it holds several people.
There was not enough room for everyone to sit. There were people lining the sides of the
church, as well as people lining the stairs to the choir. I have never seen the church as that
full. It was very humbling and inspiring
to see the impact Mom made on so many people.
We estimated there were well over 500 people that attended. Along with the flowers and plants, we were
able to donate approximately $7,500 to the Lied Transplant Center in Omaha from
the generous memorials given in Mom’s name.
The donation was dedicated to further breast cancer research.
As I mentioned in the
first entry “Background and Inspiration” God
gave us incredible strength when we needed it the most. We were comforted by all of the spiritual
happenings that took place leading up to Mom’s death. We had an overwhelming sense of peace. Dad, Rochelle and I did not shed a single
tear during Mom’s funeral. I felt some
tears building up as we were singing “On Eagles Wings” and “Here I am Lord” but
I continued to sing my heart out along with the rest of the congregation.
During the homily we
witnessed another amazing spiritual event.
Msgr. Witt was talking about Mom’s final days and the story of Mom
seeing an angel the night before she passed away. He continued on with his story when all of a
sudden I smelled incense. It was the
exact same smell we witnessed on Friday, October 12th at Rochelle
and Scott’s house. At first I thought my
mind was playing tricks on me. I looked
to Josh and asked him if he smelled it and he nodded ‘yes.’ I then looked to my right and I saw Scott
looking back our way, indicating he too, smelled the incense. Dad was to my right and he told me he smelled
it before I even asked him. The scent
lasted approximately 10 seconds and it was gone. If you recall, Rochelle was disappointed that
she did not experience the incense at her house on October 12th. She expressed sadness and said she wished she
could have experienced it. God blessed
us with a miracle by allowing us to smell the incense during Mom’s
funeral.
We spoke with Msgr.
Witt after the funeral. He jokingly
pointed out that we were talking during his homily. He asked us what we were talking about and we
told him about the incense. He agreed a
miracle was performed because the incense was not lit until after the homily. He explained that the smell of incense
indicated all of the prayers that were being said for Mom were being lifted up
to heaven. We were so blessed to have
experienced two separate incidents with the incense. We had a sense of peace before this happened
at the funeral but the second episode with the incense was nothing short of a
miracle. This was validation that Mom’s
soul was in heaven and she was reassuring us that she was more than okay! We talked to other people after the funeral
and only a couple other people smelled the incense. One person had just lost his dad a couple
weeks prior to October 13th and this experience brought tears to his
eyes.
During communion, I was
taken back by the amount of people that were at the funeral. When we walked in we saw how full the church
was but we were focused on Mom. We were
able to embrace the music and see all of the folks that were there to honor
Mom. People drove from near and far to
be there for support. I was pleasantly
surprised when I saw my boss take communion.
I knew he had an important deposition in southern Missouri that day but
instead, he drove 7 hours to attend Mom’s funeral. Some of Rochelle’s coaches from Doane were
also at the funeral. Mom’s friends from
grade school and high school were there was well as a host of employees from
Community Hospital. Rochelle’s in-laws
drove in from Utica and my in-laws drove in from Olathe. Dad’s coffee buddies, both from Indianola and
McCook attended. Our fellow neighbors,
farmers, business men and women and countless others attended the funeral. Our high school friends and college roommates
and teammates also attended the funeral.
It was so amazing to see how many lives Mom touched during her time on
earth. After the funeral I was greeted
by three of my best friends from Kansas City.
I had no idea they were planning on coming and it really meant a lot to
me that they would travel such a distance to be there during this difficult
time. Our family will be forever
grateful to everyone who was there both in body and spirit. It meant so much to us to have the love and
support from the amazing people we have met during the years.
After the funeral, we
made our way to the cemetery. During the
ride to the cemetery Rochelle, Dad and I talked about how nice the funeral
was. One thing that sticks out more than
anything is when we all said we did not shed a tear. We agreed that God gave us the strength when
we needed it the most. We had shed so
many tears leading up to Mom’s death. I
thought we would all be a mess during her funeral but it was the complete opposite. We talked about how amazing it was that the
incense occurred again so Rochelle could experience it. We were definitely missing Mom but given all
of the spiritual experiences and reassurances, it was hard to be sad. We knew Mom was in heaven and we knew she was
in a much better place than us. We
missed her terribly. Mom’s earthly life
was over but her eternity had just begun.
After the burial
ceremony we went back to the church hall for a luncheon. It was nice to visit with our family and
friends following the funeral. A woman
approached me at the hall and she told me she assumed Mom planned her
funeral. She was shocked when I told her
Dad, Rochelle and I planned her funeral.
She told me it was “so Nancy” and it was perfect. It was such a nice complement because we
wanted it to be how Mom would have planned it.
Based on the one comment alone, I think we succeeded!
At the end of the
luncheon, our family and friends helped us gather as many red roses as possible
from all of the arrangements. Rochelle’s
good friend gave us contact information for a lady in Tennessee who makes
rosaries out of rose petals. I cannot
recall how many roses it takes to make one rosary but we wanted to make sure we
had more than enough so we could make enough rosaries for our immediate
family.
That evening we all gathered around the dining room
table and opened the numerous cards and read the beautiful messages from
friends and family. We helped Dad write
thank notes and we talked about how wonderful Mom’s celebration of life
was. Mom’s perseverance rubbed off on
us. We finished writing the thank you
notes around 2:00 in the morning! We
were still in awe about the experience with the incense at the funeral. We felt blessed to have experienced the
incense a few days prior but the fact we experienced it a second time was
amazing—breathtaking. We missed Mom but
we all knew she was in a much better place than us. Mom lived a wonderful life but she was a
worrier. She could face her own battles
as they were thrown at her but she worried about us. It was a relief knowing she was in heaven,
pain free and worry free!
The following day was extremely windy! We were so thankful the weather was perfect
for Mom’s funeral. We visited the
cemetery the following day. Some of the
flowers were still in place but others had blown across a portion of the
cemetery. It was hard standing over
Mom’s grave. The dirt was freshly piled
up and the headstone was not in place. I
remember standing around her grave thinking how the subsequent visits to
Indianola were going to be so different.
I also had a sick feeling in my stomach with the thought of leaving
Dad. We were going to return to our
homes, jobs, lives and Dad was going to be by himself at the farm. He was a grieving widower who would be
constantly reminded of the terrible loss we just suffered. “How is he going to be okay living by
himself?” “How is he going to go to
bed/wake up every morning without Mom?”
“How is his broken heart going to be mended?—will it ever be
mended?” “Is Dad ever going to
experience true happiness?” “Who is
going to drive the combine during harvest?”
All of these thoughts and then some were rushing through my mind. Before Mom passed away I couldn’t imagine
life without Mom but not that she was gone, I couldn’t imagine how Dad would
ever cope without Mom. I am not trying
to short change Dad because he is an incredibly brave, strong person but he and
Mom did almost everything together for 33 years. Being alone was something he was going to
have to adjust to and it was not going to be easy.
We did the best to enjoy the rest of our time at
home but we all dreaded Sunday. Sunday
was the day we all had to leave Indianola so we could get back to work on
Monday. Our bosses had been so generous
by giving us time off during Mom’s illness and we all needed to get back to our
jobs. That is what Mom would have
wanted. I will never forget pulling out
of the circle drive on Sunday, October 21, 2012. Dad stood on the front steps and waved to us
as we pulled away. In the past, he and
Mom would stand together and wave as we would drive off. We always honked a couple of times as we
drove down the blacktop. We tooted our
horns and wiped our tears as we pulled away.
Seeing Dad stand there by himself is something I had been dreading since
the day we learned of Mom’s terminal illness.
Thank God for wonderful friends and family. They promised us they would keep Dad company
after we left on Sunday and they did just that.
Dad and Doug spent a majority of the time together that afternoon and
evening. Once we arrived home we called
Dad to let him know we made it. He let
us know he and Doug were out and about.
He sounded strong and positive but I knew he was crumbling inside. He was dreading that night more than any of
us. He had to drive home—by himself and
go home to a quiet, dark house—by himself.
His nightly routine was no longer the same. In the past Dad and Mom would watch their
shows they previously recorded. They
would fall asleep in their recliners in the living room and eventually make
their way to bed. Not this time. Dad was alone in the house he and Mom once
shared. Everything was there—except
Mom.
It breaks my heart a thousand times over to think
how sad and emotionally painful this time was in our lives. I know how sad my sister and I were but I
cannot even begin to understand how horrible it was for Dad. He is an independent man but he was forced to
learn to do everything by himself just like that. Dad can do a lot around the house but cooking
is not his forte. Plans were in place to
make Dad several meals and divide them up in small portions so he could pull
meals out of the freezer at his disposal.
Thanks to the generosity of our family, friends and neighbors, Dad’s
freezer was full! He had plenty to eat
for a few months (which gave us time to plan out the menu for the next several
months).
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of Mom. She is always in the back of my mind. I never want to forget how much of an impact
she made on not only my life but the lives of so many. She was such an inspiration and she really
knew how to live! I miss her every day
but I can also hear her say, “I don’t want you to be sad. You have to keep living and be happy.” I knew we had to get back to normalcy because
that is what Mom would want. I knew life
would never be the same but I strived to continue to be happy despite the fact
our number one fan and cheerleader was no longer a phone call away. I had a really hard time wondering how Dad
would get back to normalcy without Mom.
“How is that even possible?”
The following weekend Dad drove to Gretna to spend
time with Rochelle, Scott and the girls.
Harvest was over thanks to the help from our neighbors and the long,
cold winter was ready to set in. I knew
Dad would be able to keep himself busy during the week but I dreaded the
weekends. We did our best to book Dad’s
schedule solid during the weekend so he wouldn’t have to spend them alone. Halloween was right around the corner so we
asked Dad to come to our house so he could see the boys in their costumes and
so he could take part in trick-or-treating.
Below are the lyrics and a link to the song
“Homesick” by Mercy Me. The song talks
about missing a loved one who is in heaven and longing to be with them. It also talks about asking for strength to
make it through without the loved one by their side. In my mind, the best part of the song are the
following lyrics “In Christ, there are no good byes. In Christ, there is no end.” How awesome.
We are only on this earth for a very short time but knowing we have
eternal life waiting for us is a great thing! Knowing we will one day be reunited with Mom
is very comforting and reassuring. I
hope she is the angel that appears to me when God calls me home.
I also interpret the song on an earthy level. The second we pulled out of the drive I was
homesick—I wanted life to be how it once was.
I wanted to know that Dad and Mom would go on with their lives and we
would see them again soon.
You're in a better
place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
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