Rochelle's Journey (Part I)

Our lives were turned upside down, yet again, when Rochelle was diagnosed on April 30, 2013.  We knew we had to face her diagnosis head on just like we did with Mom’s multiple diagnoses but it was very unsettling.  We thought the worst was behind us with losing Mom and we were still trying to accept the fact that Mom was really gone.  We could not understand why we were facing another battle but we knew we had to trust God and we had faith that He would see us through Rochelle’s journey with Hodgkins Lymphoma.  We were reassured by her doctors and we were so thankful the cancer was caught very early.  We found some peace with Mom’s death when Rochelle was diagnosed.  We felt as if her early death was purposeful.  We also felt maybe this was one of our answers to the many “whys” we asked ourselves during Mom’s terminal illness.  Maybe Mom’s death was part of God’s plan to allow Rochelle’s cancer to be caught early so she would have the opportunity to help Scott raise their beautiful daughters? Maybe this has nothing to do with it?  We may never know the real answer(s) to our questions on this earth but I am confident we will find out when we stand before God.

During Rochelle’s treatment, she kept a journal so she could keep people updated on her journey.  It is very clear from her journal and through talking with Rochelle during her journey that Mom’s positive attitude made a big impact on the way she handled the challenge of being diagnosed and the fear of the unknowns with cancer.  Rochelle’s positive attitude during her treatment mirrored that of Mom’s positive outlook during her battles.  

Once again, God graced us with incredible strength when we needed it yet again.  Despite the fact Rochelle had a great prognosis, it was so hard to see my sister, my best friend, get diagnosed with cancer and go through cancer treatments.  No time is a good time for cancer diagnosis but all of the emotions from losing Mom were still so fresh.  It was disheartening to see my sister endure the multiple appointments, diagnostic tests, play the waiting game, chemotherapy, losing her hair and physically feeling uncomfortable and scared.  

My brother-in-law Scott has so many similar traits as my Dad.  There is no denying the love between Rochelle and Scott.  Scott has always been her rock but he definitely and he was her pillar of strength during her treatment.  Scott has always been a wonderful man but his unending love for his family was very evident during Rochelle’s ordeal.  Scott was the caretaker, “Mr. Mom,” the cheerleader, the chef and many other roles.  God knew what he was doing when he brought Rochelle and Scott together that fateful night at the bowling alley in Crete, Nebraska. 

Once again we found ourselves in another scary situation but thankfully God’s healing hands comforted Rochelle and we are so blessed she is in remission!

I would like to share another story and example of how God puts people in our lives for certain reasons.  Dr. Reed was Mom’s oncologist for nearly 20 years and Dr. Tarantolo was Rochelle’s oncologist beginning in 2013. Dr. Reed and Dr. Tarantolo, along with a few other physicians,  published the following study in 2003: Occult tumor cells detected in autologous blood stem cell harvests have no impact on 5 year outcomes for breast cancer patients with 4-9 positive nodes treated with adjuvant high-dose therapy and stem cell transplantation. Bone Marrow Transpl, 31:571-574, 2003.   I believe this is the same clinical study Mom took part in back in 1994.  Mom was one of the few to survive for a long period following the clinical trial.  During one of Rochelle’s conversations with Dr. Tarantolo, the researchers concluded years later science showed that Mom survived because she carried the BRCA2 mutated gene.  Talk about coming full circle!  The gene that was responsible for her deadly cancer saved her life nearly 20 years ago.   This is the scientific explanation but of course we believe God allowed Mom more time on earth to help raise Rochelle and I and to help pave the way for what was to come in our lives after her passing.  It was also neat to see how two doctors ended up working on the same study ultimately treated both Mom and Rochelle 20 years apart!  Coincidence?  Absolutely not!

The song, "Never Once" by One Sonic Society is a great reminder that God never abandons us.  He is with us through all of our trials and triumphs.  The timing of Rochelle's illness was very unsettling but we knew we were not walking alone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUSBUtjWaDo

Standing on this mountain top
Looking just how far we've come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Kneeling on this battleground
Seeing just how much You've done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful.
 

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
It's true, You are faithful, God You are faithful

Below are portions of Rochelle’s entries from her Caring Bridge website.  As you will see, Mom’s positive energy she exhibited on this earth shine through Rochelle’s beautiful writing during her journey with Hodgkins Lymphoma.  Rochelle was able to find positives in the negative situation she was dealing with.  Her spiritual strength, physical strength and mental strength helped get her through this difficult time in our lives.  She continued to rely on God to light the way during her diagnosis and treatment.  She also relied on her athletic ability and drive to train for a half marathon (13.1 miles). 

My Story(April 30, 2013)

On April 30th 2013 I was given news that I wasn't expecting to hear: "You have a diagnosis of Hodgkins Lymphoma."  Initially I was so mad.  Not mad at God, but mad for the fact that I just had lost my mother to breast cancer a few months before.  

My mom SAVED MY LIFE!  She paid the ultimate sacrifice for my sister, her grandkids and myself so that we could take the preventative measures to get tested and have preventative examinations performed.  They staged my cancer as 1A, which is the best diagnosis I could have received.  I had a PET scan to determine whether or not the cancer had spread. 

To get prepared for chemotherapy, I had to have and ECHO and a pulmonary function test because chemotherapy is hard on the body.  I also had a bone marrow biopsy, which involves aspirating bone marrow through my hip with a large needle (no sedation).   My bone marrow results were negative! After four of my treatments, I will have another CT PET scan and the cancer should be gone.  The standard of practice is to do another 4 treatments for preventative measures.  I will receive chemo every other Friday.

Dr. Tarantolo is my Oncologist and is awesome!  I have a receptor called CD 20 which is favorable for me and my treatment, because they can give me an additional chemo drug.  Only 20% of the patients with Hodgkins have this receptor.  This disease has a 95% curable rate!!     

May 18, 2013 (1^st Treatment Done)

 

The day before my first treatment I chopped my hair off.  I knew I was going to lose my hair so I decided to cut it off and to try out some bangs.  It was a very emotional experience for me.
I made it through my first treatment and I feel great!   I actually have a lot of energy.  The first day was the longest because they have to do test doses of the chemo drugs to make sure that I wouldn't have a reaction.  I was at the treatment center for 10 hours yesterday.  During a portion of the first part of the treatment I started to have an adverse reaction to the Rituxan therefore they gave me steroids and Benadryl through my port and it helped instantly, except it made me extremely tired and I was saying things to my sister that were not making much sense.  We had a good chuckle about it. 
The infusion center has a wonderful staff and a state of the art facility.  Due to the length of the treatment and the thoughtfulness of the staff, I decided to share our story about my mom and how I found out my diagnosis.  Our story brought them to tears. 

Now that I am undergoing treatment, I have to be on a lot of medications.  I went from taking no medications, to six different ones!   I am on a schedule of medications to prevent nausea, pneumonia, shingles, kidney stones, and gout! 

Thanks for all of your wonderful support and comments.  It really does help to know that I have a lot of prayers and great friends and family standing behind me.  I plan on running the Omaha Half Marathon in September.  I think I have a few people convinced to do it with me.  If anyone else wants to do it with me, please let me know!

May 24, 2013 (Second Treatment in the Books)

 

Today I finished my second treatment!  I made it through week one without any problems.  I was able to work my three 12 hour shifts.  I feel completely normal and hopefully it continues that way. It was nice coming back to work.  I truly believe that continuing as I did before I was diagnosed is the best thing and going to work is actually great therapy!

This week Scott was able to go to my treatments with me.  The entirety of the treatment lasted only 4 hours instead of 10!  It is amazing the number of patients that come in and out of the cancer treatment center.  I see some older people but unfortunately a majority of patients are younger people.  

Each week I get my labs drawn to determine whether or not I can have treatment.  If my labs get too low, I have to get an injection called Neupogen which stimulates my bone marrow help generate my white blood count. Chemo kills both good and bad cells therefore it can damage the bone marrow if the levels get too low.  Before I started chemo, my white blood count was 10.6 (normal).  This week they dropped to 4.6 (low end of normal).  It is expected that around day 10 of treatment, my numbers will drop to their lowest point.  

I have to mention that I am so positively overwhelmed with everyone's thoughts, prayers, and generosity.  I want to thank the staff at Gretna Public Schools for everything you all have done.  The other day I came home, and Scott showed me the number of gift cards to restaurants we were given.  AMAZING is all that I have to say.  Also, thank you to those teachers that filled in for Scott when he had to be with me during my various appointments.  Thank you also to the staff and my neighbors who set up a Meal Train.  I am speechless!  You all have been so accommodating and giving, I cannot even begin to thank you all enough!  The track athletes that made it to state dedicated their t- shirts to me by putting on the backs of the shirts "Running for Ro!" 

God works in mysterious ways.  Right after I was diagnosed, I went to the Nissan dealership to get an oil changed as well as some general maintenance.  They asked how my week was going and I proceeded to tell them about my diagnosis and how my cancer was discovered.  I knew I was in trouble when they asked me whether or not I had an extended warranty—naturally, I did not. I was told the maintenance was going to cost approximately $1,200!  The man excused himself and returned shortly with some great news. “We can't do this for free, but we can do it for $50!  I immediately started to cry in both shock and excitement and hugged him.

That same day, I decided to go get a pedicure.  The owner of the spa Kathy knows me quite well.  She was asking how I was feeling and I was talking to her about my diagnosis.  When I went to pay, I was told another woman in the spa overheard my story and she paid for my pedicure. 
All of these experiences so far just proves that there are a lot of good people out there in this world.

May 31, 2013 (Done With 3^rd Treatment)

Treatment number three was uneventful.  My white blood cells dropped to 3.4. (5 to 11 is normal)  I got an injection called Neupogen the day before I received chemo.  The drug works overnight and today my white count went up to 7.1! 

I have felt great through my treatment.  I feel as normal as I did before I was diagnosed.  I think the thing that I have learned the most is patience.  When I had to get my labs drawn, it felt like forever until I could find out the results.  Being the patient is makes me see things differently and makes be more aware what patients really go through.  I have gone through the same testing and waiting just like them. 

So far, I have not noticed any hair loss.  When I start to notice hair loss, I am going to go with the “GI Jane” look.  It will be hard, but I know it is short term and my hair will eventually grow back.

June 8, 2013 (It Was a Hairy Situation)

The big topic of the week is my hair.  I started noticing my hair was falling out around day 17, especially when I was in the shower and when I would brush my hair.  I wanted to be able to get through this work week with my hair, so I could have some time to get use to my new hairdo.  I know that it is just hair, but hair is part of our identity, especially for a woman. 

I was lucky to have a co-worker who is going through chemo treatments help mentor me and give me advice.  I was able to try on different styles of wigs anything from short and medium lengths, a white tensile one (they made me try on), to super long ones like the Kardashians.  I found the perfect one.  Each wig has a name and I chose “Courtney.”  It is longer than my hair was prior to chopping it off, but I feel like me and very comfortable in it.  I also have a variety of fun and colorful scarves to wear.

Today after my treatment, I decided to get my hair buzzed.  The clinical cosmetologist had my back facing the mirror so I couldn’t see her take all of my locks of hair off.  As she used the clippers, my head felt much lighter and cooler.  As she was doing it, I was reading Scott’s face and he was doing nothing but smiling.  He said, “You look hot Mama!”  He also said how I looked just like my Mom. 

I have best husband in the whole wide world!  I turned around and looked at my new self in the mirror.  I was pleasantly surprised!  

I wore “Courtney” with confidence. When I got home, Anisten said, "Mom!  I like your hair!

Kardyn is so young, where she cannot tell a difference.

I had my labs drawn again today and they are almost bottomed out.  I have to take extra precautions such as good hand washing and avoiding sick people if possible.  I have to call my doctor immediately if a start running a temperature because I am more prone to get an infection now that I am immunosuppressed from the chemo treatments.  I had to pick up Neupogen injections (which I have to give to myself in the stomach) to boost my white blood cell count, and on Monday I have to and get my labs drawn again to check my white blood cell count.  The past couple of days I have felt a little tired, and it is due to my counts being low.

This past week I have been trying to get prepared for the Omaha Half Marathon in September.  I ran a total of 7 miles this week.  I am not doing it for time, but rather doing it to achieve a goal....to finish.  I do have a couple of people committed to do it with me, and I am so excited! 

I want to conclude by saying I have the best co-workers and doctors in the whole entire world.  They surprised me with a goodie back with an overwhelming amount of gifts such as cash, gift cards to my favorite places such as Target, Applebees, and Maurices.  I also received body spray from Victoria’s Secret, lip gloss, colorful socks to wear to work, bags of my favorite candy, magazines.  They are also so thoughtful and included things for the girls to keep them occupied.  Thank you so much!

June 14, 2013 (5^th Week Done)

This week I needed to get my white blood cell and neutrophil counts up.  I had to get four doses of Neupogen to boost my counts.  I experienced the most common side effect terrible joint and muscle pain.  This means that the medication is working by boosting my bone marrow to generate more white blood cells.  This week my white blood cells were 30! (Normal is 5 to 10). My Neutrophil count was 18! (Normal is 1.0 to 8.0).  It definitely worked and I was able to get my chemo as scheduled!  I have been battling a bad sore throat and ear ache this week.  Normally I would ignore it, but since my counts are low, they put me on an antibiotic and I am much better.  Aside from feeling a little fatigued, I feel great and I am actually able to get some miles in on the running trails.  It is good therapy.

I have to share a funny story.  I had one of my head scarves on and a patient that just came up from recovery was barely opening his eyes and was looking around the room and said, "I see that we have a pirate in the room."  I was laughing so hard and thought that maybe I should carry an eye patch in my pocket to sport the look, or maybe not because we do have a lot of confused patients and I would be a true hallucination!

I met with Dr. Tarantolo today and he felt in my left axilla and said that he couldn't feel my lymph nodes like he could before!  For once it is great to hear some positive news.  So all of your thoughts and prayers are working!  Keep it up!!!  He is so confident that I will be cancer free after all of this is said and done!

Getting around in the mornings has been so easy with my buzz cut.  Some people ask if I regret cutting and buzzing it off and the answer is no.  I do not think that I could stand slowly losing my hair. My hair was very thick andI think it would have been upsetting to see parts of my scalp and my hair look thin.  I made the right decision. 

June 21, 2013 (6^th Week of Treatment Done and Finished with Rituxin!!!)

 
There is light at the end of the tunnel!  I am completely finished with my 6 Rituxin treatments and next week I will be done with 2 cycles (4 treatments) of chemotherapy.  As usual, my counts are low again, but to be expected.  I will get my labs drawn on Wednesday and probably get Neupogen to boost my white blood cell counts before my next treatment on Friday.

Today, my good friend and co-worker Rachel kept me company during my treatment today.  It is amazing how fast time passes when you are in good company.  She brought me an amazing breakfast from Panera and she surprised me with an awesome frame with photographs of my family that she took before I started treatment.

As usual, everyone has been so amazing!  Thanks for all of the cards and care packages that I received from people in the mail.  Thank you also to all of the people who have prepared and delivered meals to our home.  You all are truly amazing and so thoughtful!  It really does mean so much to know I have so many people thinking of me and my family.  Soon this will all be behind us and we can move on. 

I cannot believe how fast a year goes by.  Tomorrow our youngest daughter Kardyn turns one!  Last weekend we were able to celebrate with many family and friends. 

June 28, 2013 (Half Way Done!!  Woot!! Woot!!)

It is FRIDAY and today is extra special because I am half way done with my chemo treatments!!!  I cannot believe that it has been two months since I began this crazy ride.  Surprisingly, it has gone fast!  The one thing that I keep wondering and asking is if (and when) chemo is supposed to slow me down.  So far it hasn't slowed me down one bit.  I feel just as normal as I did before I was diagnosed.  Today I met with Danielle who is Dr. Tarantolo's Nurse Practitioner and she said the reason why I have so much energy is because I have kept such a positive attitude and I have continued to keep active by running.  I will not let cancer run my life, and I will continue to fight on and push through. 

Since I am half way done with treatment, the protocol is to have another CT PET scan done.  Dr. Tarantolo is pretty confident that my cancer should be ALL GONE!!  Regardless if my test is positive or negative, I will have to undergo 2 more cycles/4 chemo treatments. 

Thanks again to my dear friend Rachel Best Breitkreutz for joining me again at my treatment this week.  She brought bagels from Panera, and they were fabulous!  Thank you also to my friend Rachel Ideus for being my running buddy this past Wednesday.  Like she said, the running part was just a bonus.  We were able to catch up and allow life to slow down a little. 

Thanks everyone for all of the support.  I am blessed beyond belief and am so thankful for everyone I know in my life.”

Rochelle's Proactive Stance & Unexpected News

On December 18, 2012 Rochelle went to her appointment for her baseline mammogram. This was part of Rochelle’s promise to Mom that she would be proactive with her health.  Her OB/GYN wanted her to wait six months post-partum before she had her baseline due to all of the changes that take place during pregnancy.  Anisten had just turned four years old two days prior.  I was excited to share our exciting news of being pregnant but I wanted Rochelle to get through her mammogram so when she got a clean bill of health we could celebrate our exciting news together!  

Josh and I spent Christmas day at our house with Dad, Tess, and the Smith’s.  We had a wonderful Christmas together but it was again another first without Mom.  She loved Christmas and it just seemed strange not to have her pouring eggnog and singing/whistling to Christmas music.  When we were kids, she emphasized the importance of taking time opening presents. We loved savoring the magical moments of Christmas morning.  I could hear her saying, “one at time.”  There were several years where we took hours to open presents.  We would take many breaks in between gifts so we could refill our glasses with eggnog and so we could get another piece of German stallen bread from Sehnert’s Bakery.  I could feel Mom’s presence but it was hard not having her physically there with us.  In years past, she thoroughly enjoyed watching the grandchildren open their gifts on Christmas morning.    

Rochelle had to work Christmas 2012 so we planned on celebrating at our house in Olathe over New Year’s weekend.  We also thought it would be a nice change of pace to host Christmas at our house.  We had traveled a lot during the prior weeks with Mom’s sickness and funeral.  We were trying to get the boys back into their normal routine after weeks of back and forth.  Rochelle and Scott were planning on driving to our house late on Thursday, December 27, 2012 to celebrate the holiday weekend with us.  I got up that morning and went to work expecting to come home to a house full.

I was talking to my boss at work on Friday, December 28 and I told him that my family was coming to town to celebrate Christmas.  Given the caring man that he is, he told me to take the rest of the day off so I could enjoy some quality family time.  I was hesitant to take him up on his offer because he had been so accommodating and understanding during Mom’s illness that I felt I should stay and try to get caught up.  He insisted I leave early so I did just that.  

I called Dad on my way home to let him know Mike gave me the day off and to ask if I needed to pick up anything at the store.  He was excited I was coming home early and thought we had everything we needed at the house for the weekend.  When I pulled up to our house, I noticed Rochelle and Scott’s truck was not parked outside.  I was a little confused but I assumed Scott went to the store so I didn’t think much more about it.  When I walked through the door, Dad was sitting on the couch holding Kardyn.  Anisten, Bryson and Holden were in the basement playing.  I asked Dad where Rochelle and Scott were and Dad hesitated.  He said, “She got a call back this morning.”  Dad was referring to Rochelle’s mammogram she had 10 days prior.  I was a little taken back but at the same time I remembered the radiology tech telling me more times than not, women get called back when they have their baseline mammograms because there are no prior films to compare it to.  I shared this information with Dad to try to help calm his nerves.  

Dad broke down and he said, “I cannot take another illness.”  We tried so hard to be positive but given Mom’s history with medical issues our brains naturally went down the path to the “C” word.  I felt a little uneasy that she got a callback but I also knew in my heart it was going to be okay. 

Dad told me Rochelle had gotten a call from the hospital the day before but she was working so she missed the call.  On Friday morning while she was getting ready at our house she checked her voicemail and the nurse said she needed to call and make an appointment for a repeat mammogram.  Rochelle immediately called and they said they had an opening that afternoon at 2:30 or her other option was January 7, 2013.  She was not excited about having to go back but at the same time she wanted to take the Friday afternoon appointment so she could have peace of mind.  The waiting game was very unsettling so she and Scott decided to head back to Omaha, get the repeat mammogram and drive back to our house so we could celebrate as planned.  They fully expected to get good results so they decided to leave Anisten and Kardyn with Dad and their plan was to return to our house that evening following the appointment.

Once again we found ourselves waiting for the phone to ring.  We desperately wanted Rochelle to call to let us know she checked out fine and they were on their way back.  It seemed like an eternity but Rochelle finally called but she did not deliver the news we were hoping to hear.  She let us know that she had a repeat exam and the area of concern was located under her left axilla (arm pit).  She also reported that she had been referred to an oncologist.  It was also recommended she have a biopsy to rule out cancer.  We tried so hard to be hopeful but Dad and I both started crying.  How could this be?  Mom had just passed away 10 weeks prior and now we were facing the potential of Rochelle having cancer?  It didn’t make sense.  In my mind “we had done our time.” According to my plans, life was supposed to getting easier, not harder.  We were still grieving the loss of Mom but now another hurdle was thrown in our paths.  The first thing I wanted to do was pick up the phone and call Mom so she could reassure us that things were going to be fine.  Obviously that was not an option so I knew I had to kick into “Nancy mode” and be as positive as I could be for my family. 

I called Josh at work to let him know what was going on.  We decided to pack up and travel to Gretna to be with Rochelle and Scott.  At a minimum, they wanted their girls home with them but they also wanted us to be there to help distract them.  Kardyn, Dad and I rode together and Josh, Bryson, Holden and Anisten followed us.  All of the feelings and memories with Mom’s illness came rushing back—from the dreaded call to the frantic drive back to Gretna.  I was not mad at God but I definitely was questioning his plan and I was questioning why yet another potentially tragic event was looming over us.  They say God doesn’t give us more than we can handle so Dad and I agreed that God must have a lot of confidence in our family!  Our trip to Gretna seemed like one of the longest ones.  Dad and I had a lot of time to talk but sometimes there weren’t words to express how we were feeling.  At one point, Dad said, “We are screwed.  The fact she has to have a biopsy means they think she has cancer.”  I calmly reminded him that the doctors know what they are doing and hopefully the biopsy will come back benign.  We also discussed the idea that if it were cancer, hopefully it was in its early stages.  We were also very thankful that Rochelle followed through with her promise to Mom to be proactive.  She felt perfectly healthy so we were hopeful that this was just a blip on the radar and we could move on. 

 

We finally arrived in Gretna.  Once again, I had very similar feelings as we pulled into the driveway.  I dreaded going inside because I could not stand the thought of seeing my sister upset and scared.  We were still working through the grieving process of losing Mom and the thought of having to face another cancer battle was frightening to say the least.  Scott greeted us outside in the frigid temperatures and I could tell he had been crying.  I immediately asked Scott how Rochelle was doing and he shrugged his shoulders and said she was doing as good as she could given the circumstances.   Scott also told us that he reassured Rochelle that they would get though whatever it was, no matter what it was.  He also reiterated that we had our guardian angel looking out for us so we knew we were going to be okay. 

We carried our bags in and as soon as I stepped into the house, I hugged Rochelle.  She told me how scared she was but she was so thankful we made the trip to be with them.  We got everything carried in and we sat in the living room so we could discuss her appointment from that afternoon and what to expect the following week with the oncologist.  

Rochelle and Scott shared the news with their neighbors.  They came over for a while and it served as a good distraction.  They invited us to their New Year’s party the following evening to ring in 2013!  We decided to join them.  At that point, my family still did not know I was pregnant and I was not ready to share the news.  I started having morning sickness so I was trying to figure out how to hide the pregnancy and symptoms from them.  The one aversion I had early on was mayonnaise and onions.  In the past, my default party dip was a corn dip containing sour cream, corn, cheese, Rotel, green chilies, green mayonnaise and onions.  We asked what we could bring to the party and they suggested a dip of some sort.  Naturally, Scott suggested we bring the corn dip.  My stomach literally turned and my mouth was watering as if I was going to throw up.  He was reviewing the list of ingredients with me and he asked me if I would make it.  I kept trying to avoid the issue but he wouldn’t let it go.  I whispered to Josh that he is going to have to make it otherwise I was going to throw up.  I am sure Scott was wondering why I wasn’t jumping at the opportunity to make my famous dip.  I found ways to get as far away from the kitchen as possible so I didn’t have to deal with the gut churning corn dip. 

The following evening we joined the neighbors for their party.  Rochelle said she wanted to go but she was not sure how long she wanted to stay.  We told her we would stay as long as she wanted.  Before we walked next door, Rochelle started crying and she hugged Dad.  She said how scared she was.  We all shed some tears but reminded ourselves Mom was looking out for us and we knew we would face whatever was lying in front of us head on. We wiped the tears from our eyes and walked over to the neighbor’s house.  When we arrived there was so much food, including our corn dip.  I avoided the corn dip and alcohol like the plague.  I was offered a beer but declined.  Later on I was offered a beer again so I took a fake sip and that was it.  Rochelle talked about her situation a little bit but we tried our best to enjoy the evening without being reminded of the upcoming appointment. 

Rochelle’s biopsy was scheduled for Monday, December 31^st.  She and Scott went to the appointment and the rest of us stayed at the house with the kids.  We felt a sense of calmness as she was at the appointment.  We asked them to call us when the appointment was over so we could find out what the doctor thought.  We were so happy when they called and reported things went well.  When they arrived at the house, she had a folder with information in it.  I couldn’t help but notice the folder had the words “Cancer Center” on the front.  I tried to mentally bypass this and inquire about the appointment.  She said the doctor pointed out the area of concern on the ultrasound screen.  She could see the questionable lymph node was black and enlarged and the other lymph nodes were white.  The doctor said he wasn’t sure what it was but he did say he hadn’t seen anything like this in 20 years.  We had mixed feelings about his comments.  On one hand, we felt that if it was cancer it would be obvious because he likely sees cancer every day.  The fact he hadn’t seen this before made us think it was just a freak thing and all would be well.  She anticipated getting the results of the biopsy later that week.  Josh and our family packed up and drove back to Olathe the following day.  We both had to work on Wednesday, January 2, 2013.  

 

On Friday, January 4, 2013 my cell phone rang and caller ID indicated “Ro Cell.”  I was anxious to answer the call because I knew that our lives could once again change depending on what message she was going to deliver.  When I answered the call she was ecstatic!  She reported that the results of the biopsy were benign!  This was music to my ears!  “Thank you God” was my response.  I was so relieved.  It felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted from my shoulders.  We felt like the experience happened for a reason but we were so thankful the scare was behind us.  Bring on 2013!  She reported that her doctor wanted her to come back in three months for a follow up ultrasound of her axilla.  The doctor said he expected the questionable lymph node to be gone.  Praise the Lord!  

At that point, I couldn’t hold back my excitement about being pregnant!  I told Rochelle that since she had good news, I would like to share my news with her!  I told her I was pregnant and there was a slight pause.  “You are?  Congratulations!”  She then started pointing out how things form the prior weekend were starting to make sense.  She noticed I did not want anything to do with the corn dip and she also noticed I was not interested in a new diet plan she was proposing.  She and Scott had just bought into a company and they were excited to get their health back on track.  She knew I wanted to lose weight so the fact that I declined to purchase the products was confusing for her.  Once I told her the news she said, “It all makes sense now!” 

After I talked to Rochelle, I called Dad.  The sound of relief in his voice was bleeding through the phone.  He was so thankful and pointed out how blessed we were that Rochelle’s biopsy was benign.  We talked about it for a few minutes and reiterated how blessed we really were.  I then said, “Okay.  Now it’s my turn.  I am going to tell you something very exciting.”  He paused and then asked what it was.  I told him “this is the last time you are going to be told you are going to be a Papa!”  It took a few seconds for him to comprehend what I was saying and then of course he was very excited!  I told him I was barely pregnant and my due date was August 31^st.  Josh and I decided baby number three would complete our family.   Rochelle had a tubal ligation following the birth of Kardyn in June 2012 so obviously their family of four was complete.  The rest of the weekend went very well.  We felt like the worst was behind us and we could continue to work through the grieving process of losing Mom but we could also celebrate Rochelle’s news and the new life that was developing! 

Life continued on in the following months.  We were continuing to learn to live life without Mom physically in our lives.  Josh and I were excited because we were going to find out whether baby number three was a boy or girl at the end of March.  We had plans to go to Des Moines to celebrate Josh’s grandfather’s birthday the weekend of March 17, 2013.  As I got out of bed that morning, I felt a gush of blood.  I went to the restroom and was terrified.  It appeared as though I was having a miscarriage.  I was approximately 16 weeks pregnant and I could not stand the thought of another loss in my life.  At that point I had not felt the baby move yet so it was unclear to me whether the baby was still alive.  I called the after-hours number and was told to either wait until Monday or go to the Emergency Room.  The nurse reminded me on the phone that “there is nothing we can do for a miscarriage.”  I understood but I told her that I do not do well with the unknowns so if that was what was going on, I needed to know.  

Our friend Jen and her husband Ken met us at the hospital and they took the boys out for breakfast.  Josh and I nervously entered the emergency room and were scared to hear what the doctor had to say.  We sat in triage for a short time and then we eventually made our way back to the exam room.  The doctor walked in and he said, “Let’s get right to it.”  He wanted to do an ultrasound to determine whether or not the baby was still alive.  As soon as he put the probe on my stomach, he said, “It’s a girl!”  At that point, I was emotionally numb.  I did not care if it was a boy or a girl.  I was so thankful the baby was alive.  The little bean was moving all over the place and the heartbeat was normal for that point in the pregnancy.  He instructed me to follow up with my obstetrician the following week. I did just that and all was well at my follow up appointment.

Our official ultrasound was scheduled for March 29, 2013.  We planned a gender reveal party for Saturday, March 30^th for our family.  Dad watched the boys while Josh and I went to the appointment.  As we entered the ultrasound room, the tech asked us whether or not we wanted to find out the gender.  I said, “We are 99.9% sure it I a girl so please just confirm it.”  I explained the story to her from two weeks prior.  As soon as she put the probe on my stomach, I swore I saw a little turtle head on the top left of the screen.  It looked all too familiar like during the two prior ultrasounds with Bryson and Holden.  Josh was sitting to my left and he snickered because he apparently saw the same thing. I turned my head to the right and I could feel the tears starting to build up.  I turned my head towards the tech and she said, “It definitely is not a girl.” I realized that just two weeks prior we were faced with the potential reality of losing our baby and the fact the baby was healthy was all that mattered!  After everything we had been through, a healthy baby boy was a true blessing and miracle!  We were very excited.  I said, “Well, Laikyn Marie is now Layton Gabriel.”  Josh and I later discussed that God’s plans are perfect.  The fact I have the BRCA2 gene, we were meant to have boys.  While they can still be carriers, their chances of getting cancer is much less than girls. 

Our gender reveal party was the next day. My sister and her family arrived that afternoon before the party.  She said, “I can totally tell it is a girl.  If it was a boy, your eyes would be red from crying!”  I chuckled inside and could not wait to see the look on her face when the blue balloons came out of the box.  Scott took a video of the release of the balloons and when blue balloons came out of the box, there was a brief moment of silence then everybody started clapping!  We were thrilled to add another boy to our dynamic duo! 

During the weekend of the gender reveal party, Rochelle reminded us of her upcoming follow up appointment and ultrasound.  Honestly, I had forgotten about the appointment because of the news she previously received and because of the distraction of pregnancy. I was thankful she was being proactive but I hated the thought of her having to experience another ultrasound and potential scare.  Regardless, I knew the ultrasound was necessary so I wished her my best and prayed this would all be behind us once and for all.  

The “wait and watch” approach was the method the doctors took because the results of the biopsy were benign.  Their hopes were the questionable lymph node would be gone.  When she got in the ultrasound room, Rochelle quickly picked up on the fact something was wrong.  The tech could not say anything as she was doing the ultrasound.  She left the room and returned with a doctor.  The doctor looked at the right side in order to compare it to the left.  The doctor pointed out that unfortunately, the questionable lymph node was larger AND there were more enlarged lymph nodes compared to the previous exam in December.    Once again the doctor recommended a biopsy of the lymph nodes to rule out cancer. 

During the appointment, the doctor gave a list of potential diagnoses.  They of course go through the whole list.  The list ranged from cat scratch disease, to breast cancer to lymphoma.  The doctor did not think that it was breast cancer given the breast tissue did not have any abnormalities on the ultrasound but he did emphasize the necessity of a biopsy.  This was not the news we were expecting.  She scheduled her biopsy and was told the results would be given to her in a week or so. 

As I was sitting in the dental chair at my appointment on April 30, 2012, my phone rang.  I knew Rochelle had an appointment that day to receive the results of her biopsy.  Time literally stood still before I accepted the call.  I had been talking to the dental hygienist about the rough couple of years we had with Mom’s health and passing and Rochelle’s scare with the biopsies.  When the phone rang, the hygienist removed the tools from my mouth so I could answer the phone.   Rochelle asked what I was doing and I told her I was at the dentist.  She reported she had been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  “What?  What is that?”  It was obvious she had been crying but she was calm—the same level of calmness when she called to report that the cancer spread to Mom’s brain.  

I felt as if I was dreaming.  This was all too similar to what we had previously experienced.  I could hear Mom’s voice through Rochelle.  She expressed it was not the news she was expecting but she had talked to her doctor and they reassured her that this was a “good” cancer to have.  Talk about the oxymoron of all oxymorons!  In my mind, “good” and “cancer” do not belong in the same sentence, especially when it has anything to do with my sister! I lost it.  I started crying.  The hygienist went and got the dentist and he came to the exam room.  He was very sympathetic and confirmed that Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is a “good” cancer.  It is very curable and has a very low recurrence rate.  I felt better but I was extremely angry.  I was not mad at God but I was mad at the world!

I got home after my appointment and I talked to our nanny.  Jen is such a caring woman and she knew I was upset.  She offered to stay and talk as long as I needed.  We sat on our patio and the boys played outside.  It was so nice to have a friend to talk about this unwelcomed news. 

I got the boys ready for bed later that evening and Josh got home around 9:00 p.m.  I didn’t say much at first because I couldn’t bring myself to deliver the news.  As he was sorting through the mail I said, “Ro has cancer.”  He looked at me in disbelief.  We talked about it for a short time and I went to bed.  I needed to sleep on it and wrap my mind around what was happening.  I was trying so hard to be positive about the situation but there is no getting around it.  I was mad and depressed.  I wasn’t sure if I had it in me to be positive.  I knew I would eventually come around but I had enough!

The following morning I sent an email to my good friend Gloria.  Gloria has experienced a lot of loss and sadness in her life and she and I really connect.  We worked together at the law firm for a short time but her impact on my life has been monumental.  God allowed our paths to cross because he knew we would experience similar experiences and we would need each other to lean on.

Below is the email I sent to Gloria the following morning:

On May 1, 2013, at 7:33 AM, "Kirby Smith" <KSmith@ma2zlaw.com> wrote:

Good morning!  I hope this finds you doing well.  Once again I am the bearer of bad news.  I am sure people are sick of hearing about the trials of our family.

My sister was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma yesterday.  The results were inconclusive last week so they sent the sample to the University of Nebraska Medical Center for further testing.  She had an appointment yesterday and received the news.  The good thing is the doctor reassured her that this is the best kind of cancer to have and the survival rate is extremely high.  She has to have tests done on Friday and she meets with her oncologist on Monday to figure out the treatment plan. 

I am so incredibly sick of the chaos and stress life has thrown our way the past couple of years.  I am trying so hard to be positive but I truly am at a very low point.  No matter how hard I pray and no matter how positive I am, it seems to always go the other way.  I am really struggling with the “whys.”  Sorry to be so negative but I know you understand after being through so many trials throughout your life.  I never really hit that low spot with my mom’s illness but I am there now.  Just when life starts feeling normal, something like this happens.  I don’t know why it can’t come in small doses rather than life changing events.  

I would love to get together with you sometime to talk.  You always make sense of things for me and I appreciate your insight.  I feel like I have taken on the role of cheerleader since mom’s illness however, this cheerleader needs a “pick me up.”  I will eventually get back on track but right now I am so angry.”

Gloria responded right away and we arranged to get together that evening.  By the end of the day, I was mentally wiped out so I called her and asked if I could take a rain check on our get together.  She understood and we arranged another meeting the following week.  

Rochelle met with her oncologist Dr. Tarantolo the following Monday.  A PET scan and other tests were scheduled so the cancer could be staged and a treatment plan developed. Mom’s persistence with preventative care helped the doctors catch the cancer early and she was staged at 1A.  Praise the Lord!  Once again, life is a matter of perspective.  It seemed strange to be celebrating cancer but what we were really celebrating was the fact the cancer was caught early and she was given a 95% survival rate. 

At that moment, I had an “aha” moment.  Mom’s death was purposeful.  It was sad she was gone but maybe that is why she passed away when she did.  We promised Mom we would be proactive and we did just that.  We both got genetically tested and we both got our baseline mammograms.  Mom saved our lives!   Mom’s life was cut short but this was all part of God’s plan!  During Dad’s surgery in March 2012 Mom made it clear she would gladly shoulder any illness for her family and she did just that.  Mom gave us life and through her death, we were given the knowledge and chance to live!  Thank you God for allowing us to have such a wonderful Mom and thank you for allowing us to see your master plan come into play. 

I debated whether I should tell Rochelle about my BRCA2 status to help her make sense of the situation so she could have her “aha” moment.  She asked me to attend her first chemo therapy appointment in May 2013.  We decided to get a coffee before we headed to the transfusion center.  As Rochelle was turning to grab our coffee from the drive through window, I said, “I am BRCA2 positive.”  She did not respond so I did not think she heard me.  She put the coffee in the cup holders and she just looked at me.  

I explained to her that I was totally fine with it and I further let her know I had a plan.  I told her about my appointments at the Breast Cancer Prevention Center to her that I had a plan to have surgery in the near future.  I also explained that is why we decided to have another baby so quickly.  It took her some time to comprehend it.  She was sadden by the news.  She felt as if yet another wrench had been thrown at us and she was sad I had been holding the information in for months.  I made her promise she would not tell Dad because I did not think he could handle another problem.  He was still grieving Mom and was scared to death to have Rochelle diagnosed with cancer. 

   

Below are the lyrics and a link to the song “He Said” by Group 1 Crew. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_0XYsfEyDA 

So your life feels like it don't make sense
And you think to yourself, "I'm a good person"
So why do these things keep happening?
Why you gotta deal with them?

You may be knocked down now
But don't forget what He said, He said:

"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
And No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o"
Don't you forget what He said

Who you are ain't what you're going through
So don't let it get the best of you
'Cause God knows everything you need,
So you ain't gotta worry

You may be knocked down now
But just believe what He said, He said:

"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
And No-o-o-o-o, I'll never ever let you go-o-o-o-o"
Don't you forget what He said

Don't fear when you go through the fire
Hang on when it's down to the wire
Stand tall and remember what He said:

"I won't give you more, more than you can take
And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break..."