Lucky (or unlucky) 13

Mom had an incredibly positive outlook on life despite her struggles with her health issues and ultimately with her terminal diagnosis.  She had the profound ability to look at the glass half full rather than half empty.  She was a person who was relied upon heavily by many to help get through trying times.  With that said, Mom was by no means super-human. She too would get angry, sad and scared but she would quickly bounce back and search for the positives in nearly every situation.  If you have been following our story and/or if you personally knew Mom, you can see how positive she was and how much of an impact she made on our family.  Her positivity radiated off of her and you couldn’t help but feel better after talking to her. 

Mom was our rock and we turned to her for comfort in uncertain situations.  There are times I when I am sad I still have the urge to pick up the phone and dial Mom’s cell, longing to hear her reassuring voice on the other end of the phone letting me know “everything is going to be fine.”  Now that she is gone, we have had to learn to be strong for one another and to make the best of out the situations we are dealt with.  We have definitely gotten in our fair share of practice of supporting one another during the last couple of years.  I am sure Mom would be proud, knowing her legacy is being carried on!

Mom’s favorite number was 13 and she always referred to it as her lucky number.  I was left scratching my head, trying to figure out why 13 was such a great number when it is associated with many negative and unsettling times in our lives.  Her explanation never made a whole lot of sense to me but I figured it was her prerogative.  The only positive thing I could associate 13 with was Rochelle’s high school and college volleyball number. 

People have superstitions when it comes to this number—Friday the 13^th and some hotels/large buildings skip the number 13 and go straight to 14.  In fact, the term triskaidekaphobia is reserved for people who actually fear the number 13.  I would not put myself in that category but it definitely catches my attention.  I am not superstitious but the number has certainly made its appearance throughout our lives.

As you are reading through the events below, you will probably find yourself wondering why Mom didn’t refer to it as her unlucky number.  I questioned this for many years as well.  It wasn’t until recently when I could finally appreciate why the number 13 was considered her lucky number.  

Mom received her first diagnosis with left sided high-risk triple negative breast cancer on December 13, 1993.  Following her mastectomy and lymph node removal, pathology showed 13 of the 17 lymph nodes were positive for cancer.  In February 2011, Mom underwent a mastectomy on her right side following a diagnosis of triple negative breast cancer and it was found that 4 of the 13 lymph nodes were cancerous.  In September 2012 following her terminal diagnosis, 13 rounds of full brain radiation was ordered to minimize the symptoms. 

On its surface, the number 13 appears to be a curse.  I really disliked the number because it seemed to rear its ugly head in ways that physically impacted Mom for the worse.  Given all of our run-ins with the number 13, I started becoming quite leery of it. 

I tried to understand how and why Mom considered December 13^th to be lucky.  Of course she experienced all of the terrifying emotions of being diagnosed with stage III breast cancer at the age of 36 but once she regrouped, she was able to see past the negatives.  She explained her cancer was both aggressive and advanced when it was detected and had much more time passed, it could have spread to her organs and bones.  In regards to 13 of 17 lymph nodes being a positive thing, Mom expressed how grateful she was that no more than 13 lymph nodes were positive for cancer.  I heard what she was saying but I fixated on the fact she had so many positive nodes.  In my mind, one positive node was one too many!  Mom found it ironic that the doctor decided to take 13 lymph nodes during her surgery in February 2011.  She was thankful only four came back positive and that she was able to receive radiation to knock out the cancer cells one final time.  When her oncologist ordered full brain radiation, Mom knew it was not a cure, however, she was grateful something could be done to help relieve her from the dizziness and nausea she was experiencing. 

Mom passed away on October 13, 2012 just shortly after 1:00 p.m. or 1300 hours.  Knowing how much Mom liked the 13^th we found peace with her situation.  I remember Dad saying, “What was the chance of Mom passing away on the 13^th?” 

During the days following her passing, one of Mom’s co-workers and dear friend brought to our attention the story of the Lady of Fatima. The Blessed Virgin Mary, the Mother of God, appeared six times to three shepherd children between May 13 and October 13, 1917 so they could warn the world of the upcoming trials and tribulations.  The three children were, siblings Jacinta, age 7, and Francisco Marto, age 9,  and their cousin Lucia Dos Santos, age 10. 

She came to the little village of Fatima which had remained faithful to the Catholic Church during the recent persecutions by the government.  One day in 1915, Lucia Dos Santos was playing with three other girls when they took a break to sit down for lunch. After lunch they prayed the rosary. While praying, they noticed a bright white cloud in the sky that had taken on a human form. The vision appeared to them three times.  Lucia would later describe, “Like a cloud, whiter than snow, slightly transparent, with a human outline.”

On May 13, 1917, the three children took their flocks out to pasture when two bright flashes of something like lightning from out of the clear blue sky startled them.  Lucia describes “A lady, clothed in white, brighter than the sun, radiating a light more clear and intense than a crystal cup filled with sparkling water, lit by burning sunlight." The Lady smiled and said, “Do not be afraid, I will not harm you.”

The Lady pointed to the sky saying, “I come from heaven. I have come to ask you to come here for six months on the 13th day of the month, at this same hour. Later I shall say who I am and what I desire.” As promised, she appeared to the girls on June 13, July 13, August 13 and September 13 and each time she delivered messages to the girls.

As a great sign of the whole message truly coming from God, a marvelous miracle was worked in the sky above Fatima before 70,000 witnesses on October 13, 1917 at the time, date and place that Lucy and the other two children had prophesized in the name of Our Lady of Fatima. The children were told by Our Lady that God would perform a miracle so that people would believe in the apparitions.  On that date, 70,000 people came to see the phenomenon. The miracle occurred with the sun. All could stare perfectly at the sun without blinking, or even hurting their eyes. While all were watching the sun, it rotated, got large and small, got close to the people, and got far away from them. The sun "danced ". Every single person who was there testified to seeing the sun dance, even non- believers who immediately dropped onto their knees and begged for forgiveness.

The people of southwest Nebraska are blessed to have a Lady of Fatima Shrine at the Catholic Church in Arapahoe.  Since Mom’s passing, Dad visits the shine on the 13^th of every month and during that time he prays the rosary.   In addition, on the 13^th of each month the mass at St. Catherine’s in Indianola is offered to Mom. 

I mentioned in a prior post that my pre-surgical appointments were supposed to be on May 9, 2014 but they ended up being delayed.  The new date chosen for me was May 13.  I smiled when the nurse called me to inform me of the new date. 

Dad is a numbers person.  He used to create goofy number sentences to remember dates.  I remember him getting pretty carried away and Mom finally told him to stop with the number game!  He eventually stopped doing this but occasionally, he could not help himself.  After Rochelle and Scott announced Grady’s arrival, Dad sent me a text to see if I noticed anything about the time in which Grady was born.  Grady was born at 8:23 a.m. but because I am not a math person I did not notice anything unique about the time he was born.  Dad pointed out 8+2+3 equals 13!  My first thought was Mom telling Dad to stop with the numbers game but I also found it to be neat.   All babies are miracles but Grady is something very special.  According to science, he was never meant to be.  God is good all of the time and with God, anything is possible!

So what does all of this mean?  The number has clearly shown up on our lives on numerous occasions.  I recently came to realize the number 13 is nothing more than a tool that has helped me recognize no matter how bad the situation seems, there are good things that can come out of it.  As a child, it was difficult to understand and appreciate just how incredibly strong and positive Mom was.  As I reflect back at the time we had with Mom, I cannot even begin to express how proud of her I am.  She taught us to always be faithful, thankful and to see the good in the situation at hand.  It has taken a lot of trials and time but I now see life in a whole different light.  I try my best to find the positives in any situation I am in.  I also try to help others through situations by pointing out the positives.  I am still a work in progress because there are times I revert back to being a pessimist but overall, I am by far a much more positive person!

Now that we only have photographs and memories to rely upon, I see more clearly and have a much deeper understanding of what Mom stood for and how much of a warrior she really was.  Despite her fears and the burdens she carried her unwavering faith made her the person she was.  She knew this earthly life was only temporary and there were far greater things waiting for her in eternal life.  She coped with her earthly fears by finding the positives.  I am sure she was frightened when she received her diagnosis in 1993 and the thought of a bone marrow transplant was terrifying.  I cannot even imagine being told at the age of 36 she likely would not survive.  The fear of leaving behind her young family had to have been absolutely heartbreaking.  I’m sure she had a pit in the bottom of her stomach when December 13^th came around in the few years following her initial diagnosis.  I can’t imagine the fear and sadness she felt when her doctor told her 13 lymph nodes were positive for cancer.  Who knows, she may have had a bit of triskaidekaphobia but she refused to let negativity get her down.  She powered through situations by praying and believing.  Death is part of the circle of life and we are all on borrowed time.  She did not view death as a scary thing.  She wanted to be free from the earthly problems and the pain she was experiencing due to the disease.  Mom would have loved to have more time on earth so she could enjoy seeing her grandchildren grow and to spend doing what she did best—living life to its fullest!   God called Mom home at the age of 55 and she gladly accepted the invitation.  She told us during her terminal illness that if “this is all that is left for me on this earth, I don’t want it.”  She also told Rochelle she was not afraid to die.  Two days before she passed away we believe she told God she was ready to go to heaven. 

A link to the song “You Won’t Let Go” by Michael W. Smith was previously posted.  The following lyrics illustrate what I believe Mom was thinking, feeling and knowing to be true which helped her be at peace during her final days:

No valley low, changes the truth

So I’m not afraid

You hold me close

You lead me through and light up the way

Mom was a woman of faith and there is no doubt in my mind she is dancing on the streets of gold in Heaven!

Stepmom

Our childhood is filled with many wonderful memories.  I will forever cherish our family traditions such as frozen cranberry dessert at Thanksgiving and egg nog on Christmas morning.  I am so thankful for the memories that were made during our annual ski trips to Keystone, Colorado and we have fond memories of the holidays in George Town, Colorado.  We took many mini summer vacations as we followed Rochelle through USA Track and Field.  We also spent a lot of quality time on the farm during the summer irrigating and pulling weeds in the fields.  When I think of my past I am so grateful to have grown up in small town Nebraska and be provided with a simple and seemingly carefree life. 

As a child I often thought of what the future would be like and how I wanted to instill tradition in my family.  I would envision growing up and having a family of my own and Mom and Dad were always part of my thoughts and plans.  I couldn’t visualize what any of us would look like as we aged but I could always see us spending time together and having fun with all of our adventures.  I could see Mom and Dad growing old together and enjoying the next phase of their lives as grandparents and maybe even great grandparents.

When it came time to graduate from college and move out of Nebraska, I was excited to see what the future was going to bring but a part of my heart was in Indianola.  It was difficult to be several hours away from my immediate family but my parents encouraged my sister and I to seek opportunities.  I longed to have Mom and Dad live closer to my sister and I so we could spend more time together and not have to plan well in advance to see one another for a short weekend.  As my sister and I started having kids, I enjoyed watching Mom and Dad become grandparents.  The grandkids had Nana and Papa wrapped around their tiny fingers (and toes).  They were so excited when they found out they were going to be grandparents for the first, second, third and fourth times.  Mom would have been equally excited to find out she was going to be a Nana for the fifth and sixth time.

As a child and young adult, the thought of one of my parents not being in my life never crossed my mind.  As with life, I knew the day would come when we would lose one our parents but I assumed that day would be years down the road, not when I was 28 years old.  When it became apparent that Mom was losing her battle with breast cancer, I still had a hard time accepting the fact she would soon be a memory.  I couldn’t stand the thought of Dad coping with losing the love of his life and the thought of him being alone for the rest of his life.  During her terminal illness, Mom gave Dad her blessing to move on and to find love and happiness once again.  In that moment, Dad could not imagine loving anybody the way he loved Mom and he was deeply saddened at the thought of letting Mom go.  Dad is such a loving, kind, and loyal soul and his heart was with Mom throughout their 34 years of marriage.  Since her passing, he prays for her soul daily and he will forever cherish the beautiful life they had together! 

Rochelle and I were delighted when we found out Dad found true happiness in August 2013.  The road was long after Mom’s passing.  Dad kept himself busy and maintained a positive attitude but he was crumbling inside.  Once he met Deanna, the twinkle in Dad’s eyes returned and the smile on his face said it all.  I was wonderful to see that Dad could be happy again and that he found somebody so kind and caring as Deanna. 

Deanna and Dad were inseparable shortly after they met.  It was clear they had chemistry and the love they had for one another was genuine.  Dad told Rochelle and I several times that he will always love Mom and he is very happy with Deanna.  He also told us he has only loved one other person the way he loves Deanna. It is such a blessing to know Dad’s life is once again filled with love and happiness.  Mom was so worried about Dad living the rest of his life alone and we all know she is smiling down from heaven.  We truly feel Deanna was handpicked especially for Dad.

I movie Stepmom with Julia Roberts holds special place in my heart.  The story line is about the biological mom who is dying from breast cancer and shortly after her diagnosis, her ex-husband meets another woman.  The biological mom dislikes the new woman in her ex-husband’s life and in her children’s lives.  As the story continues, the two women begin to get along and they create a bond centered around the kids.  At one point during the movie, the biological mom told the stepmom, “I had their past—you can have their future.”  Our life story differs from the movie but I can rest assured that Mom approves of Deanna and her presence in our lives.  If Mom could talk to Deanna, I know she would express sincere gratitude to Deanna for bringing joy back into our family.  Our hearts were broken the day Mom left the earth but pieces of our hearts have been mended with the love that Deanna brings to our family. 

There has yet to be a day that I have not woken up and gone to bed thinking of Mom.  She is always in the back of my mind.  She made such and impact on my life during the 28 years in which I was privileged to know her and call her Mom.  My heart still aches for her but I know she would be proud of our family and how we have fulfilled our promise to continue to live and to be happy.  I am not sure if the thought of Mom will ever lessen but in the present time, I find peace and comfort knowing she is with me every step of the day.  Throughout the last couple of years, I have learned to cherish the past, embrace the present and not fear the future!   

Dad and Deanna got engaged on February 14, 2014.  They chose November 15, 2014 as their wedding date.  The engagement seemed to go relatively fast.  The summer months flew by and next thing we knew, it was time to start getting ready to spend 4 days in Indianola for the wedding.  I started feeling ran down the week of the wedding.  I woke up with a terrible sore throat on Tuesday, November 11.  I am not one to go to the doctor so I opted for hot beverages, Tylenol and throat lozenges.  I hoped I would turn around soon so I could enjoy the weekend.  It became evident on Tuesday that I had more than a cold.  I had a fever and was chilled all day.  I came home from work early and took a short nap to try and sleep it off.  Josh came home early and took over the evening shift so I could get my rest.  I woke up Wednesday morning after 12 hours of sleep feeling somewhat better.  I powered through work but was feeling quite fatigued by the end of the day.  I tried to get into the doctor but I could not be seen until the following morning.  I was eventually diagnosed with strep throat and was prescribed antibiotics. 

We picked up the boys from school and started the 7 hour trip west.  Just as we were getting ready to get on I-70, our sensor on our dash board indicated we had low tire pressure.  We turned around in Lawrence, Kansas and headed to a gas station to check the tires.  As Josh got out of the vehicle, he could hear air leaking from the right rear tire.  He filled up the tire and we went to a tire store.  Unfortunately there was a 2 hour wait so we opted to go to Jiffy Lube.  The workers were very accommodating and they put our spare tire on free of charge.  We tipped the workers as we pulled out of the garage.  It took some time to unpack the back of the vehicle so they could access the spare tire but they eventually got it done.  An hour and a half later we were back on the road.  We stopped in Junction City, Kansas for a restroom break.  We decided to fill up with gas before we continued down the road in the middle of nowhere Kansas.  The pump shut off at $50.00 but unfortunately it takes more than $50.00 to fill our gas hog of a vehicle.  He went back in to pay for more gas and he was told they were unable to sell gas for the next 20 minutes because they were lowering the price of gas and it would take some time to reprogram everything.   We had to laugh at our misfortunes along the way.  Thankfully, the rest of the trip was uneventful.  We arrived around 8:30 p.m. and Rochelle’s family arrived just before midnight. 

The following morning, the guys watched the kids so the women could decorate the reception hall.  We had a great group of workers and we were able to get all of the decorating done by 12:30.  We wanted to go to Mac’s Drive-In for lunch but we figured it would be too busy over the noon hour.  Rochelle suggested we go have margaritas to help pass the time so that is just what we did.  We had a wonderful time decorating and sipping cocktails and we enjoyed our lunch at Mac’s.  We had to run a few other errands before returning to the farm.  Once we got back to the house, we were able to visit for a short while before we had to get ready for rehearsal.  Rehearsal went really well and we celebrated at Loop’s in McCook.  It was nice to spend time with friends and family that we do not get to see very often.  It was also nice meeting Deanna’s son, Cory and her brother and family.  We look forward to getting to know Cory more. 

The day of the wedding finally arrived!  We woke up to a light dusting of snow.  The kids were excited to see the first snow of the season and Dad and Deanna were relived they did not receive the predicted snowfall amount.  Deanna left for her hair appointment at 7:45 and Rochelle and I planned on leaving by 8:10 so we could get Anisten and Kardyn’s hair done for the wedding.  Dad called a meeting in the living room.  He delivered a very heartfelt message to our family and he shared a nice message from Deanna.  Deanna acknowledged that the wedding was going to be an emotional day for Rochelle and I and she wanted us to have time with Dad that morning.  Deanna is so selfless and kind.  We expressed our happiness for Dad and his upcoming marriage to Deanna.  Dad left for McCook and Rochelle and I followed.  Scott and Josh did a wonderful job, as usual, taking care of the kids. They assume the role of “Mr. Mom” without hesitation. 

We arrived at the salon just as Deanna was leaving.  She looked beautiful and she was anxious to get to the church to finish getting ready.  Pictures were scheduled for 10:00 a.m.  Her maid of honor, Vickey was at the salon getting her hair done as well.   Anisten and Kardyn had a great time being pampered during their appointments.   Rochelle and I went to the church to get the girls dressed and to get ready for pictures.  As we entered the dressing area, our beautiful Deanna emerged!  She looked absolutely stunning—breathtaking really!  We hugged her and told her how beautiful she was and we reiterated how much we love her. 

Deanna’s father, Larry has been having health problems.  We all prayed that he would be able to be well enough to attend the wedding.   Shortly before 10:00 a.m., Deanna talked to Cory and was told her father was not well enough to make it to the wedding.  Deanna was saddened and we were all sad for her.  The day would have been perfect had her father been there but we all know he would have been there if he were able.  Larry was definitely there in spirit.

Around 10:15 a.m., the wedding coordinator told Deanna the photographer was ready for the “first view” in the sanctuary.  The pictures of brides and grooms seeing each other for the first time on their wedding day is priceless.  Deanna shared with us after the session that when she walked up to Dad for the first time, she noticed a long black string on the leg of Dad’s grey suit.  They both teared up and hugged one another.  The string was symbolic that Mom was present and accepted the union.  

The pictures went very well and the photographer was able to capture some great images.  The kids were excited to get the wedding started so they could participate in the big day!  Deanna had shirts made for the girls that said “Princess of the Petals” and the boys shirts said, “Ring Security.”  The kids wore the shirts to the rehearsal and they took their roles very serious.  We were not sure how long the kiddos would stand at the front during the ceremony and we agreed with kids anything is possible. 

After pictures we gathered in the basement for a quick lunch.  It was nice to sit down and relax before the wedding.  Holden started acting like he did not feel well.  He took a short nap and we woke him around 1:30.  The wedding was scheduled to start at 2:00 p.m.  At 1:59 (and 30 seconds) Holden had a panicked look on his face and said he needed to go to the restroom.  About that time, the wedding coordinator came in the room and told us we were ready to start.  I blurted out, “He has to poop!” Holden and I ran to the restroom in order to avoid an accident.  I rushed Holden through the process and once he was done he said he felt better and was ready to “go to the wedding.”  We went back in the room and the wedding started.  Dad ushered Deanna’s mother to her seat and Rochelle and I were escorted in by the ushers to our seats.  We had our arsenal of cheerios, juice and entertainment for Layton.  He found his independence a few days before that so we were not sure how long he would sit during the ceremony. 

The maid of honor and best man came in next and then it was the flower girls and ring bearers.  The kids did a wonderful job!  The remembered what they were supposed to do from rehearsing the night before.  Finally, it was Deanna’s shining moment.  She entered the door way and was escorted down the aisle by Cory.  All eyes were on her and her eyes were on Dad.  It was a great moment! 

The wedding was absolutely beautiful.  Dad and Deanna were so happy and they were enjoying the moment.  After the wedding we told them about the activity on the alter from the youngest ring bearer and the youngest flower girl.  Kardyn decided to sit down and dump her petals out of her basket.  She was so precious as she counted, “1..2..3.”  In the meantime, Holden had a look of panic on his face. I could not tell what the problem was but my gut was telling me he needed to go to the restroom again.  I debated whether or not to go get him but finally I went to the front to ask him what the problem was.  He reported his feet hurt from standing “all day.”  I had to laugh and admittedly I was relieved he did not have to go to the restroom.  Layton lasted a whole 2 minutes before he started screeching.  Josh and Layton joined Scott and Kardyn in the back of the church during the ceremony.  Dad and Deanna were oblivious to the activity as they were absorbed in each other during their ceremony.  We all had a good laugh it after the wedding. 

A cake and punch reception followed in the church basement.  Despite the fact it was opening day for hunting, the cold temperatures and the husker football game, approximately 200 people came to the wedding to support Dad and Deanna.  It was so nice to visit with the guests during the reception. 

Once we got the reception and church cleaned up, Dad and Deanna went to Karen and Larry’s house so Larry could see his daughter in her dress.  We asked the newlyweds to spend as much time as they wanted.  We headed out to the house to get the food for supper set out and to get the totes unloaded.  Dad and Deanna arrived at the house and we had a light supper.  Shortly thereafter, Deanna’s son and brother and his family arrived at the house so we could visit and get to know them.  It was a nice, relaxing evening and we all thoroughly enjoyed it.

As a child I never thought we would have a blended family.  I did not entertain the idea of having a stepparent because according to my plans, Mom and Dad would live to be a ripe old age.  God obviously has other plans for our family and Rochelle and I are so blessed to call Deanna our stepmom!  She brings life and happiness back into Dad and our family and we wish them many years together.  Thank you Deanna for being you and for loving our Dad with all of your heart!