The full brain radiation treatments continued as
planned. Mom felt as if the radiation
helped with her headaches and some dizziness but her balance was still off—very
off. Each passing day became more
difficult to get Mom from the bedroom, to the restroom, up the stairs and into
the chair in Ro and Scott’s living room.
She became so weak that it took quite the effort on everyone’s part,
especially Mom, to navigate her throughout the house, much less to the vehicle
and to radiation treatments. It was
especially shocking for me to see how quickly Mom’s health was deteriorating
because I was not with her 24/7 like the rest of my family was. They would call me each morning (M-W) to let
me know that Mom struggled to get up the stairs. She would get shortness of breath and it completely
wore her out to go up and down the stairs.
She dreaded morning because she could not breathe very well when she
first woke up. The fluid in her lungs started
slowly filling up and the inactivity during the nighttime hours seemed to make
it worse. We would get her up on the
side of the bed and she would panic. It
took her some time to catch her breath but she was determined to get out of bed
and get on with the day. Mom would get somewhat anxious near bedtime because
with night comes darkness and silence and the dread of the impending morning
struggle. We found ourselves in a
perpetual cycle but we still managed to get through it the best we knew
how.
When we arrived at the treatment center, we would
pull up front and immediately find a wheel chair. We would get Mom out of the vehicle and one
of us would park the vehicle. It was too
taxing on Mom to walk considering how weak and tired she was becoming. I specifically remember one radiation
treatment in particular. Dad, Bryson,
Holden and I were waiting for Mom in the commons area. We tried our best not to get down but it is
really hard not to, especially in a cancer treatment center. I remember an elderly lady ringing the bell
as she walked through the
treatment door. The bell symbolized the
final treatment. I vaguely remember the
conversation as the elderly woman was walking by with her radiation mask like
Mom’s along with her daughter. The prognosis
sounded great and they were celebrating!
Of course we were excited for her but at that moment it did not seem
fair.
I would guess the woman was probably close to 80 and
here was Mom, 55 years old fading before our very own eyes. Dad and I had a conversation about how much
easier it would be to accept Mom’s diagnosis and prognosis of she were elderly
but it was unimaginable that she would have to endure this suffering at her
age. The conversation made sense at the
time but looking back it seems somewhat selfish. We are/were so thankful Mom was given almost
20 more years on earth with us because she could have easily not made it to or
even through the clinical trial. Hypothetically, if we were faced with the same
situation had Mom made it to age 80, we would have wanted to keep her
longer. In addition, my heart goes out
to all of the parents whose children have cancer. It is not fair that their young children have
to endure so much pain and suffering at such a young age. It is all a matter of perspective. At that moment we had to remind ourselves of
how blessed we were that Mom survived the first go around and that our children
were healthy.
Naturally, during our conversation when we were
feeling sorry for ourselves, one of the boys had to use the restroom. As I was helping one, the other pulled the
emergency string! Before I could even
comprehend what was going on a team of nurses and staff were barging into the
restroom! Again, it is God’s timing and
the little things that made us laugh. This
incident distracted us for a short time and we all got a good laugh out of
it. Before we knew it Mom was waiting
for us in her wheelchair in the
waiting room as we were collecting ourselves in the restroom after the
emergency string incident.
The weekend before Mom’s final radiation treatment
she suggested going to the farm for the weekend. She knew Dad would enjoy getting away from
the city and would like to check out the farm and see how the crops were
doing. Mom was persistent about going to
the farm so Dad finally agreed. The plan
was to leave immediately following Mom’s radiation treatment. We were a little hesitant to leave the Omaha
area because we had our routine with Mom.
It was a bit scary going home knowing we would have to modify the way we
did things. Regardless, we were
determined to make it happen.
Mom was a planner and she was also very witty!
Needless to say she fooled us all! We
put our heads together after she passed away and realized she wanted to go home
one final time. She wanted to see her
home one more time because she knew her health was declining so she wanted to
make the most of the opportunity when it presented itself. She used the farming as an excuse to entice
Dad but with the “trickery” there was also genuine desire for Dad to get back
to normalcy was well. Mom’s plan was
well thought out.
Mom completed radiation on Friday, September 21,
2012. As the nurse wheeled her through
the doors following treatment, Mom signaled Holden to come ring the bell for her. It was a bitter sweet moment. I asked myself, “Is this really an
accomplishment?” It was an
accomplishment in the sense that Mom never verbally complained about going to
treatment but we knew this marked Mom’s final treatment. There was no more treatment available to Mom
and all we could do was focus on keeping her comfortable. I continued to keep a smile on my face as
Holden rang the bell but I was crumbling inside. Mom was given a “Graduation Certificate” for
completing radiation and we left the facility.
Before we headed to Indianola, we had stop at
Walgreen's to make sure we had enough Sarna
lotion for Mom’s skin and to make sure her medications were
refilled. Dad went into the pharmacy and
Mom, Holden and I waited in the truck.
Mom was in the front seat and I was in the back seat diagonal from
Mom. I could tell she wanted to
talk. I wasn’t sure if she was having a
hard time finding the words due to the disease or due to the content of the
conversation. I finally broke the
silence by saying something then Mom took over.
She started crying and she said, “I don’t want you guys to be sad.” At that moment I knew where she was
going. I could feel the tears building
up but I refused to let them out. This
was Mom’s moment and I needed to be her rock.
My voice trembled and I said, “Of course we are going to be sad. We love you!”
She responded, “If this is all that is left for me on this earth, I
don’t want it.” That was another
defining moment for me. We all knew
Mom’s health was dwindling but Mom was letting me know she was aware of what
the final outcome was going to be. She
was basically waving her white flag. She
continued to say, “I don’t want you guys to be sad and miss me every day. I want to you continue to live and be
happy. I want you to be there for your
children and love them every day!” I was
lost for words but once again, God’s timing was perfect. I wiped my tears and I looked up and there
was Dad. He got what he needed in the
pharmacy, hopped in the truck and off we went.
I was able to gather myself in the backseat and Holden was a great
distraction! Following Mom’s treatments she liked going to McDonald’s for a caramel
frappe and fries. We made our usual stop
at McDonald’s and headed west towards Indianola.
The trip went as good
as it could have. We were unsure whether
the movement would cause nausea or if Mom’s skin would burn and itch to the
point of not being able to make her comfortable. She slept most of the way home. I remember pulling over a few times so we could
calm the burning and itching with the lotion.
Once we made it to the farm we got
Mom inside and comfortable in her recliner.
Rochelle, Scott and the girls arrived shortly thereafter. As we pulled into the drive, some wonderful
neighbors were pulling in and unloading the back of their vehicles with
groceries and paper goods. We opened the
refrigerator to find all of the essentials and then some. I cannot emphasize enough how awesome our
neighbors and friends are! It was very
humbling and very much appreciated! Mom
had been talking about wanting potato salad.
I had never made potato salad but was determined to make it for
her. I planned on making it the
following morning so we could have it for lunch.
It was bittersweet being home. The house had the same welcoming smell it
always had. The pictures were the same
and the living room looked like it always had during all of our prior visions
home. Everything was where they left itwhen they left for Omaha on August 31, 2012. Things were picked up for the most part and
in its place but it became evident that Mom had not been feeling good for quite
some time. There were things that were
just not characteristic of Mom. For
example, there were piles of clean clothes in the kitchen, office and bedrooms. She would do the laundry but then not put it
away. The spare room had her clothes
hanging on hangers and folded clothes on the bed. We eventually put the folded towels and
clothes in their place. Mom never liked
piles but I couldn’t help but notice some of her magazines were piling up which
again was uncharacteristic of her. I
also saw several forms from the cancer policy.
Dad informed me that Mom was trying to file her claims but the insurance
company kept denying her claims. It got
to the point where she could not handle it due to her disease. She was too tired and not feeling well enough
to deal with pesky insurance companies.
Friends and family stopped by that evening and we
had a good time reminiscing. It was a
nice distraction from reality and Mom thoroughly enjoyed being home and seeing
familiar faces. Dad spent his time both
at home and around the farm. It was
comforting being back home knowing people were home with Mom taking care of
her. At one
point during our stay, Mom told Rochelle to make sure Dad had his suit
ready. Rochelle knew what she was
getting at and assured her we would take care of it.
Anisten and Holden were being
typical kids. They found all of their
toys in the basement and brought them upstairs.
There is nothing like having Fisher Price lawn mowers and all of the
other loud toys on wood floors. Mom loved the noise and not once did she get
upset by it. She wanted normalcy for her
grandchildren and she was happy she could watch and listen to them play. Kardyn was only 3 months old and Josh and
Bryson did not make the trip.
Several times during Mom’s illness I had to remind
myself that what we were experiencing was real, not a dream/nightmare. There were several times I would dream Mom
was dying and would wake up thinking, “Whew.
I am glad that was only a dream.”
It took a few seconds to snap out of it and realize I was dreaming about
our real life situation. I would lay
there in the darkness and wonder why all of this was happening. I am not a patient person and I wanted to
know all of the answers now! I was not
mad but curious and extremely sad at the thought of losing Mom. In my mind we had a year but it was becoming
obvious there was no way Mom was going to live a year at the rate she was
declining.
That night, I remember praying, “God, I would love
to see Mom walk again. If it is your
will, please let her walk.” I felt like it was wishful thinking but I also
believe in the power of prayer. Mom was
such an independent woman and I knew it was very hard on her to rely on others
to take care of her and to help her get around.
The following morning I was in the kitchen peeling
potatoes for the potato salad Mom had been talking about. It was hard being in the kitchen because I
desperately wanted things to be “normal.”
In the past, Mom would have had her apron on, music playing and we would
have been vising about life in general.
It is almost as if your life is on a reel of tape. As I was peeling potatoes I had so many
flashbacks of our childhood and all of the wonderful memories we shared in the
home. The tears started building up in
my eyes when all of a sudden I heard, “click, click, click” in the
hallway. I stopped what I was doing and
ran over to see what was going on. MOM WAS WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAY! She was using her walker but SHE WAS WALKING! I literally had chills when I saw this
miracle and as I am typing this entry, I have the chills (I bet you do
too)!
I ran to help her and asked, “What are you
doing?” She politely responded, “I had
to go to the restroom so that is where I am headed.” Mom explained to me that she had been yelling
for me so I could help her up but apparently I did not hear her. Her voice had become somewhat “froggy” but I
do not blame her voice for not hearing her. I was not
supposed to hear her. God answered my
prayer by allowing Mom to walk. Mom had
not gotten herself up out of bed by herself for several weeks. That was the last time she got up without assistance from us. Coincidences do
not happen—God happens and God allowed Mom the strength to get her weak
body out of bed and down the hallway by herself! To this day, I am still in awe of this
miracle! As Mark 11:22 states, “Have
faith in God.”
The rest of the weekend went well. We found it was a lot more difficult to care
for Mom at the farm mainly because of the layout. The stairs were difficult at Ro and Scott’s
but once we got Mom up stairs for the day, the layout of their home was very
accommodating to Mom’s situation. Their shower has a built in area to sit. Whenever Mom would get weak in the shower,
she could sit so she did not fall. This
was not available at the farm. Mom and
Dad were always very appreciative of Ro and Scott offering their home during
but being at the farm confirmed over and over again just how grateful they
were. Mom required around the clock care
and immediate access to her healthcare providers. They knew being in Gretna was where they
needed to be.
We packed up the vehicles and headed to Gretna. Ro and Scott drove my vehicle and I rode with
Mom and Dad. We stopped in Lincoln so I
could take my vehicle home and they could return to Ro and Scott’s house. As I previously mentioned, each parting was
harder than the last. Mom was not a crier
but as we hugged she squeezed me and I could tell she did not want to let
go. She hugged me tight as she was
crying. I think she knew she knew her
time on earth was coming to an end. We
said our “see you laters” and Holden and I left for Olathe to reunite with Josh
and Bryson and to get ready for another 3 day work week. The rest of our family headed towards Gretna
to get ready for another week.
Below are the lyrics and a link to the song titled
“He Is With Us” by Love & The Outcome
Remember when
Your hope is lost and faith is shaken
Remember when
You wonder if you're gonna make it
There's a hand stretched out
Through your deepest doubt
We can't pretend
To see the ending or what's coming up ahead
Don't know the story of tomorrow
But we can stay close
To the One who knows
CHORUS
We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding onto you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us, always, always
He is with us, He is with us, always
We believe
There is purpose, there is meaning
In everything
We surrender to His leading
He wants nothing more
Than to have us close
CHORUS
Our faith is sealed
Our hope is real
Come what may
We're not afraid
Your hope is lost and faith is shaken
Remember when
You wonder if you're gonna make it
There's a hand stretched out
Through your deepest doubt
We can't pretend
To see the ending or what's coming up ahead
Don't know the story of tomorrow
But we can stay close
To the One who knows
CHORUS
We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding onto you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us, always, always
He is with us, He is with us, always
We believe
There is purpose, there is meaning
In everything
We surrender to His leading
He wants nothing more
Than to have us close
CHORUS
Our faith is sealed
Our hope is real
Come what may
We're not afraid
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